Dreams

After a little more than a month since our loss, I have been having more and more dreams about pregnancy, having a baby, where to go from here.

I am so busy with the move. We are moving in 13 days, I have a tom to finish and get ready so I only have a few moments to think about Mercy. When I do I often think about how far along in the pregnancy I would be, what milestones Mercy would have achieved, things like that. I can only believe that my dreams are a result of not thinking more about Mercy during the day. Usually I dream about pregnancy though, which is a little odd to me.

I finished my book which was very heart healing. I plan on reading it over again. Hopefully to continue the healing.

WHY?

It is difficult to look at WHY this might have happened.

No Mother-to-be should have to endure the pain of losing not only the baby, but losing the plans she had for the baby, the hopes she had for the baby, the dreams, and for some, losing everything she worked so very hard for.

Why is simply a question we ask in attempt to comfort ourselves. Yes, there are practical reasons to find out why this might have happened. Reasons may include trying to prevent miscarriage in the next pregnancy, to see if there are things that may have happened to prevent future fertility. However beyond that I have a hard time finding it important enough to think about.

To me it doesn’t matter much why it happened, but that it did happen. I didn’t just lose a pregnancy. I lost my baby. I lost my first born, my child. I lost the dreams I had for the baby, for our family; I lost my plans; I lost myself.

This will change a person. The loss of Mercy has changed me more than I thought it could. I am still in mourning and I am not entirely sure how it has changed me, I just know I have been changed to the core. I am working to find who I am through this. However, as strange as it may seem, I more than welcome whatever change happens. That change in me will be the lasting Impression left by Mercy. Mercy is so important to me, and will always be. I Love and miss Mercy so very very much.

Verses that have helped me

I wanted to share some verses that are very helpful. I will explain each. I hope you find some of these helpful as well.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

It really helps to know that this is not happening for no reason. God is very much involved even though I am not sure exactly what is going to happen from here.

Psalm 139:13

The Message (MSG)

^13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

This verse is so helpful. It reminds me that God created Mercy even before Mercy was conceived. Mercy was known to God, not forgotten, not overlooked. God had everyday prepared for Mercy before Mercy came to be.

Psalm 139:13-17

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

This is the same verse just a different version.


Job 1:21
Naked I came from my mother's womb, naked I'll return to the womb of the earth. God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed.

This one is a little sadder however is still helpful. It helps to know that God is actively involved in my life. He is not sitting back and watching everything that is happening. It is also a reminder to praise God even in the difficult times.

Jeremiah 1:5
"Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you"

This is an awesome verse, God Knows us and has plans for us well before we are born, well before we were even conceived. God had a plan for Mercy, and I can only pray Mercy fulfilled his plan.

Luke 1:39-45
Mary didn't waste a minute. She got up and traveled to a town in Judah in the hill country, straight to Zachariah's house, and greeted Elizabeth. When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby in her womb leaped. She was filled with the Holy Spirit, and sang out exuberantly, You're so blessed among women, and the babe in your womb, also blessed! And why am I so blessed that the mother of my Lord visits me? The moment the sound of your greeting entered my ears, The babe in my womb skipped like a lamb for sheer joy. Blessed woman, who believed what God said, believed every word would come true!

Ok, this one may need a little more of an explanation. Mary went to visit Elizabeth when she was still pregnant with Jesus. I should also say that Elizabeth was pregnant with John the baptist. When the two pregnant ladies were together, baby John "leaped" in the presence of God. This proves to me that each baby, each pregnancy is different, unique, and is recognized as an individual person in the eyes of God.

Romans 9: 10-13
And that's not the only time. To Rebecca, also, a promise was made that took priority over genetics. When she became pregnant by our one-of-a-kind ancestor, Isaac, and her babies were still innocent in the womb—incapable of good or bad—she received a special assurance from God. What God did in this case made it perfectly plain that his purpose is not a hit-or-miss thing dependent on what we do or don't do, but a sure thing determined by his decision, flowing steadily from his initiative. God told Rebecca, "The firstborn of your twins will take second place." Later that was turned into a stark epigram: "I loved Jacob; I hated Esau."

This verse is a verse that proves that God's plan is priority and it will not matter what we do or not do, God's plan will prevail.

What was lost

I am reading a book called "what was lost". It is a book by a pastor who lost a baby herself. I finished the first section in one day. There are only 3 sections :) I can not wait to get to section 2. It is really refreshing to know that the grieving process is pretty much the same no matter how far along the pregnancy was.

I would suggest this book to EVERYONE! It opens the eyes into what one feels, sees, thinks, and what happens through the pregnancy. In section 2 it will discuss God and where he was in the process. I am really looking forward to that section.


I have been thinking about those who are afraid to bond with baby until after the first trimester because they are afraid of this happening. I cant help but feel really sorry for them. They are too afraid to love because of the risk of being hurt. I instantly bonded with Mercy. I had my hand on my belly all the time. I Loved taking naps because I was so tired due to the pregnancy. I even talked to Mercy. There is no way I would give that time back to avoid the pain.

I am still in pain, I cry everyday. I wish I had more time. I wish I could have held, even seen my baby. I feel hollow, empty, alone. See, last month I had a life inside me, now, I dont. I cant help but feel alone. I tell Evan often, I miss my baby, I want my baby back. He has been a wonderful support and I believe we are finally back in our groove. The tension is gone and we are there for each other in a much healthier way.

I am trying to figure out how to make this a part of my life story, How to share with everyone the impact this has on a couple. It is not something to dismiss or minimize. Research has been done that states that this loss is as great as losing a close family member or friend.

I dont think I ever want to "get over it". I just want to learn how to make Mercy a meaningful important part of my life. I want to hold onto the memories I have of my first pregnancy and remember it as good. There will forever be a hole in my heart for Mercy but I think someday I will be able to make the hole something very helpful and productive in my life, in my parenting and in my relationship with my Husband and others.