It's been a while!

Ok, so it has been almost a year since I last posted. I want to get back into sharing. Since we last met I have done several rounds of clomid, several IUIs, seen a fertility Specialist, and I have had surgery.

But more than that I would like to try to enlighten society about the journey and the emotions involved in this process. I believe this may be why we are on this journey.

There is a stigma that is involved with infertility, the stigma is that it is a choice. The treatment is optional. Though this  may be partially true, this is also partially a myth. I have read somewhere that the emotions of those effected with infertility are similar to those with cancer. Infertility can trigger depression, anxiety, loss of self esteem and many many more negative effects. Not to mention mix that with the hormone treatments and their side effects, you can see where some of the meltdowns come from.

I have had my share of meltdowns. I have over-reacted to things that shouldn't bother me. I have been ungrateful for what I do have and jealous of others. I am however reaching a place where I can be ok with others.

My reproductive organs are not working properly, When someones immune system isn't working properly we give them medicine to help. When someones heart isn't working properly, we put in a pacemaker. How is this any different. We have to find the medication that makes my reproductive system work correctly. I have always been puzzled with how people believe any differently.

I have been told (with love and by more than one person) to adopt. That it is not about becoming pregnant but becoming a mother. How do I know that is what God wants me to do?  How do I know that my patience, persistence, and strength are not what is being tested? If I move to adoption too quickly how do I know I am not missing a lesson God is trying to teach me?

You see, the Infertile, who is actively working towards their family should not be treated any differently than a cancer patient working towards remission. You can say it is different because it is not life or death. This could not be more wrong! I have lost a baby. My baby died. Depression crept into my life. I was not suicidal, however this has happened to many other women and depression can quickly become so severe that suicide enters into the thoughts. Therefore, this is life and death.

The Icing on the cake is that this is NOT covered by insurance. This treatment is all out of pocket. You would be appalled if cancer treatment was not covered, Why are do we not have the same reaction?

I am going to start talking about how this affects my every day. How it affects my choices each day. Please stay tuned.

Hyperstimulation

So, I went in for my mid-cycle ultrasound. They found that I hyperstimulated and one of my ovaries is polycystic. This is not good news, but thankfully this is not permanent, it will go away in time. However I am not sure what this means for the future fertility treatments. With everything so uncertain it is hard to get hopeful for this cycle. God only knows what our future holds, but it is frustrating not knowing what's going on.

Comfort food

Some days I just feel defeated. 
Today is actually not one of them, however a couple of days ago was. I was trying to finish up the stuff before summer break begins. I was hungry but didn't want to cook, so here is the result. 


A pan full of cinnamon rolls. Before you ask, YES I ate the entire pan by myself in under 15 minutes. That was dinner

Quick update. 


We have had more testing. I asked if we could get my LH and FSH levels. This level can indicate if I have a lowered ovarian reserve or if my egg quality is low. I have found research stating that women with O blood type have a higher incidence of high FSH level. 
I am waiting on the call back and I am a little stressed. It will not change what the plan is, however I like to know what is going on. This can also help me prepare for the fact that we may have to go to a reproductive endocrinologist, or fertility treatment center. I haven't brought it up to Evan, but it is something that I am thinking about more and more.

Educating on infertility

Infertility is something that is so secretive that few understand the effects it has on a couple.

I have seen some who are not going through infertility criticize and try to tell me how to feel. Telling me that I am a bad person because  I have trouble being around a baby or pregnant ladies. Who are they to tell me how to feel?

I know that it is sometimes difficult to read into tone over text. Know that this is not yelling, I am not angry with anyone reading this. I want to educate people and give them a glimpse into what infertility looks like. I am not angry because people do not understand. I only get angry when someone believes that my feelings are wrong, but have never had to suffer through the torture of infertility.

So please read below, I think it might help you understand a bit more what we go through each month.

First and foremost

Infertility is not my diagnosis. It is a diagnosis of the couple. Evan and I are diagnosed with infertility. It may be my body that doesn't do what it should, But I sure wouldn't be able to conceive without him..

Infertility is not just a physical diagnosis, it effects every part of our life... 

Let me elaborate...

It affects my self esteem- I have trouble looking at my self and liking what I see.

It affects my self worth - I had always beleived that I would be a mother. Evan even told me that a part of the reason he married me was because I would be a good mother. . . Now I cant even get there, so whats the point?

It affects my motivation - I have trouble caring about anything but the infertility

It affects my focus - I am constantly researching for answers

It affects our marriage- The stress causes little arguments that can often lead to bigger arguments.

It affects my relationship with God- I sometimes struggle with the part God plays in this. Why hasnt he answered my prayers yet?

It affects my relationship with others- I hate going to family functions where babies, baby bellies are going to be there... I should have that... Its not that I am not happy for them, Its that I am so sad for us.

 It affects my privacy - I have had exam after exam (vaginally) as many as 3 in a weeks time. 

It affects our sex life - Suddenly things are very scheduled, we are told when to and when not to be intimate. Romantic right?

It affects our finances - We are still in the beginning of treatments and we are paying about $1,000 a month for medications, doctor bills, counseling sessions ect.

It affects our plans - We have trouble planning much. Everything has to co-inside with the treatments and appointments. The trouble with that is you often don't know when the appointments will be until a week before. But even that can change over night.

Infertility is something we can not "just get over", We can not "just adopt"  And "just relax" is an impossibility when you have to go through everything I listed above.

Studies have shown that the diagnosis of Infertility is something that is completely devastating and compares to that of a tragic loss.

Some very helpful thing to say....

How are you?

Call me if you ever need to vent.

Want a hug?

Lets go shopping!

Want to just hang out and watch a movie?

How are things going? (if you get a one or two word answer, I am probably not in a good place that day...Other days I am dying to talk about it. )

Let me know what I can do to help.

Now I would Love to answer any questions one may have about infertility. If I don't know if the answer I would definitely try to find it.  I will explain the process we are going through, or if you need some resources on infertility to help others you know who are going through the same thing I can give them...

round 3 failed onto round 4

Well it has been a very long time since I have posted.
We have begun trying again since we lost the baby. In fact we the 3rd cycle of Clomid has failed. We are moving onto round 4 of clomid. 
We increased the dose to 100mg.

From this cycle on, everything is much more involved. I have to go in for ultrasounds at the begining of my cycle to make sure there are no residual follicles left from last cycle. I then have to get ultrasounds in the middle of my cycle to see if the follicles are big enough for ovulation. Once they are, then I get a shot to trigger ovulation. 10 days after that I will get my blood drawn to see where my progesterone is. Then I wait for my period.... In the meantime. I try to get all of my work done, stay on top of the house work. I have my counseling sessions and try to have a social life. It is exhausting.

We are on round 4 of Clomid as I said above. I never thought it would take this to have a family. Sometimes I wonder if we will have to do this for a second or third child. What about that big family I wanted? I guess I will have to stay focused on number one for now.

Evan agreed to a "deadline"  I just need to know that this is not going to be a struggle forever. That someday we can make the choice to move onto a different strategy.  Maybe adoption. Maybe foster care. That will be decided about the time of our deadline.

It is hard for people to understand the effects of infertility, I hope to enlighten them.

Things are still not where we want them to be, even with the Clomid. I am not sure what that means, maybe Clomid wont work for us? But then what? How are we going to pay for all of this? It is going to cost us about 1,000 a month in bills. And if all of the infertility medicine fails, will we be able to adopt? you have to qualify financially... I know of couples who have spent their entire savings on infertility treatments so they now don't have what is required to qualify for adoption.

Is that what our future holds?

Life may be easier if we had a clear yes or no, but I don't want it to be a no.

I still think of the baby often, I think I always will. But life is getting a bit easier, while getting harder at the same time.... If that is possible.

I promise to update more often, I just needed a little time off of thinking about it consistently.

National Infertility awareness week

This week is National Infertility awareness week.

As someone who is currently going through it, clearly it is close to my heart. Infertility is one of the most difficult things a couple can go through. Many couples do not survive the walk through infertility. However it has been known to also strengthen the couple and help them to last until their happily ever after.

Infertility takes a huge toll on the couple going through it. They can easily become emotionally exhausted, sick from medications,  frustrated and annoyed. Suddenly babies and pregnant women are everywhere! Evan and I discussed the "baby radar" I can always identify if there is a baby bump or baby in the room.

We know most if not all people are very sincere in what they say when they are trying to help and be supportive. And we all very much appreciate it, however when telling me about your mothers friend from church's daughter in laws sister who had success on the shot medicine, know that sometimes the success can give hope, but often it reminds us that we are still not the success story. We, I am still not pregnant.

For more information look at     www.Resolve.org

Want to be tired

Sometimes I think during the day, I just want to feel that tired again... I want a legitimate reason to be tired and take a nap. That was the biggest pregnancy symptom and I just want it back....

I am really hoping to have all of the terrible pregnancy symptoms that people complain about, during our next pregnancy.

Time will tell....

Next steps

At our last doctor appointment we were discussing the next steps to take with the infertility journey. I went in thinking that I wasn't sure I wanted to get right back on medicine, however when it was brought up that we should wait another month before starting medication again I broke down in tears, IN THE OFFICE. I felt so ridiculous. Everyone was sympathetic and Evan even had questions. It was nice that he was so involved in it.

We are starting from square one. I am spending the next few weeks getting blood work and starting the pre-medicine to prime my body for the fertility medicine. Then, when all of that is set in place we will start the fertility medicine. We are going to increase the dose as well as start another medication. I will have to go for multiple ultrasounds as well as multiple rounds of blood work to see how the hormones are doing.

If all of that goes well, then maybe baby. But as we are learning, nothing is certain.

Thinking about all of this and the fact that we recently moved 30 minutes away from the doctor makes me exhausted already. However I am excited but slightly overwhelmed

Trying to stay cautiously optimistic.

Moved

Well the move is over. We are on the farm.

It has been a week. I am still seeing the therapist. It is really helpful.

One of the hardest parts of the move was that little green box. I had to have someone else move the box and I started crying in the midst of the chaos. I didn't want it to be moved because we then had to move on. I haven't opened it since we were pregnant with Mercy. Evan wants me to get rid of it because he doesn't want me to be in pain seeing it. I will never get rid of it. I will soon have the strength to unpack it and put it away. I am not sure if the contents are ever going to be used or if they will always be Mercy's possessions. Only time will tell.

I will post pictures of our new home soon. I redid the walls and painted the house. Evan bought me new furniture which I LOVE. I just want the house to be finished before I show it off. :)

Dreams

After a little more than a month since our loss, I have been having more and more dreams about pregnancy, having a baby, where to go from here.

I am so busy with the move. We are moving in 13 days, I have a tom to finish and get ready so I only have a few moments to think about Mercy. When I do I often think about how far along in the pregnancy I would be, what milestones Mercy would have achieved, things like that. I can only believe that my dreams are a result of not thinking more about Mercy during the day. Usually I dream about pregnancy though, which is a little odd to me.

I finished my book which was very heart healing. I plan on reading it over again. Hopefully to continue the healing.

WHY?

It is difficult to look at WHY this might have happened.

No Mother-to-be should have to endure the pain of losing not only the baby, but losing the plans she had for the baby, the hopes she had for the baby, the dreams, and for some, losing everything she worked so very hard for.

Why is simply a question we ask in attempt to comfort ourselves. Yes, there are practical reasons to find out why this might have happened. Reasons may include trying to prevent miscarriage in the next pregnancy, to see if there are things that may have happened to prevent future fertility. However beyond that I have a hard time finding it important enough to think about.

To me it doesn’t matter much why it happened, but that it did happen. I didn’t just lose a pregnancy. I lost my baby. I lost my first born, my child. I lost the dreams I had for the baby, for our family; I lost my plans; I lost myself.

This will change a person. The loss of Mercy has changed me more than I thought it could. I am still in mourning and I am not entirely sure how it has changed me, I just know I have been changed to the core. I am working to find who I am through this. However, as strange as it may seem, I more than welcome whatever change happens. That change in me will be the lasting Impression left by Mercy. Mercy is so important to me, and will always be. I Love and miss Mercy so very very much.

Verses that have helped me

I wanted to share some verses that are very helpful. I will explain each. I hope you find some of these helpful as well.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

It really helps to know that this is not happening for no reason. God is very much involved even though I am not sure exactly what is going to happen from here.

Psalm 139:13

The Message (MSG)

^13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

This verse is so helpful. It reminds me that God created Mercy even before Mercy was conceived. Mercy was known to God, not forgotten, not overlooked. God had everyday prepared for Mercy before Mercy came to be.

Psalm 139:13-17

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

This is the same verse just a different version.


Job 1:21
Naked I came from my mother's womb, naked I'll return to the womb of the earth. God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed.

This one is a little sadder however is still helpful. It helps to know that God is actively involved in my life. He is not sitting back and watching everything that is happening. It is also a reminder to praise God even in the difficult times.

Jeremiah 1:5
"Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you"

This is an awesome verse, God Knows us and has plans for us well before we are born, well before we were even conceived. God had a plan for Mercy, and I can only pray Mercy fulfilled his plan.

Luke 1:39-45
Mary didn't waste a minute. She got up and traveled to a town in Judah in the hill country, straight to Zachariah's house, and greeted Elizabeth. When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby in her womb leaped. She was filled with the Holy Spirit, and sang out exuberantly, You're so blessed among women, and the babe in your womb, also blessed! And why am I so blessed that the mother of my Lord visits me? The moment the sound of your greeting entered my ears, The babe in my womb skipped like a lamb for sheer joy. Blessed woman, who believed what God said, believed every word would come true!

Ok, this one may need a little more of an explanation. Mary went to visit Elizabeth when she was still pregnant with Jesus. I should also say that Elizabeth was pregnant with John the baptist. When the two pregnant ladies were together, baby John "leaped" in the presence of God. This proves to me that each baby, each pregnancy is different, unique, and is recognized as an individual person in the eyes of God.

Romans 9: 10-13
And that's not the only time. To Rebecca, also, a promise was made that took priority over genetics. When she became pregnant by our one-of-a-kind ancestor, Isaac, and her babies were still innocent in the womb—incapable of good or bad—she received a special assurance from God. What God did in this case made it perfectly plain that his purpose is not a hit-or-miss thing dependent on what we do or don't do, but a sure thing determined by his decision, flowing steadily from his initiative. God told Rebecca, "The firstborn of your twins will take second place." Later that was turned into a stark epigram: "I loved Jacob; I hated Esau."

This verse is a verse that proves that God's plan is priority and it will not matter what we do or not do, God's plan will prevail.

What was lost

I am reading a book called "what was lost". It is a book by a pastor who lost a baby herself. I finished the first section in one day. There are only 3 sections :) I can not wait to get to section 2. It is really refreshing to know that the grieving process is pretty much the same no matter how far along the pregnancy was.

I would suggest this book to EVERYONE! It opens the eyes into what one feels, sees, thinks, and what happens through the pregnancy. In section 2 it will discuss God and where he was in the process. I am really looking forward to that section.


I have been thinking about those who are afraid to bond with baby until after the first trimester because they are afraid of this happening. I cant help but feel really sorry for them. They are too afraid to love because of the risk of being hurt. I instantly bonded with Mercy. I had my hand on my belly all the time. I Loved taking naps because I was so tired due to the pregnancy. I even talked to Mercy. There is no way I would give that time back to avoid the pain.

I am still in pain, I cry everyday. I wish I had more time. I wish I could have held, even seen my baby. I feel hollow, empty, alone. See, last month I had a life inside me, now, I dont. I cant help but feel alone. I tell Evan often, I miss my baby, I want my baby back. He has been a wonderful support and I believe we are finally back in our groove. The tension is gone and we are there for each other in a much healthier way.

I am trying to figure out how to make this a part of my life story, How to share with everyone the impact this has on a couple. It is not something to dismiss or minimize. Research has been done that states that this loss is as great as losing a close family member or friend.

I dont think I ever want to "get over it". I just want to learn how to make Mercy a meaningful important part of my life. I want to hold onto the memories I have of my first pregnancy and remember it as good. There will forever be a hole in my heart for Mercy but I think someday I will be able to make the hole something very helpful and productive in my life, in my parenting and in my relationship with my Husband and others.

Little Green Box

You know, I thought I was doing well. However in the process of packing for the move I reached the office closet. In it is the little green box with all of the baby cloths I bought for Mercy. I cant touch it. I keep looking and thinking, I need to move it so I can pack the closet, but I cannot convince myself to move it. The night we found out that we were losing Mercy, Evan put it in there so I dint have to look at it. Now exactly 4 weeks later it is there again.

I would kind of like to go through it again, however I dont think I am going to have the strength until we have another baby on the way.

Today we were talking at dinner, I asked Evan if we could try for another baby. Evan said "another?" I believe we did have a baby, we just didn't get to keep him or her.

This week

This last week has been so much easier.
We had a week to settle back into a routine before it is thrown off again with the move. We had an entire weekend to do almost nothing as well. It was really nice to have some time off, even though we still worked. Things have been getting better between Evan and I. I am not as irritable and Evan is starting to talk, even if its not about the baby. We are getting back to the awesome team, Best friends, and supportive partners we once were.

I have received some sympathy cards from some ladies at church. Many of the ladies shared their losses as well. It has given me some validation in the loss I feel. I know I will always have a small hole in my heart, but it is now a part of my life story. Hopefully I will help others who have to go through this. It isn't easy, but when you aren't given a choice, you have to learn how to cope.

I will always miss my baby, Love my baby, and it was a very big loss. Possibly one of the biggest losses anyone could ever experience.

One of the biggest feelings I have had is a feeling of emptiness. I used to have a baby growing inside, however now it is just me. That is probably one of the oddest feelings I have had. I didn't get to feel Mercy move but you better believe I talked to Mercy hoping to get to know my baby some day. I miss talking to Mercy and planning for Mercy's future. Now I get to Share my story, and hopefully have more children.

Right now we are focusing on the move. Getting out to the farm. That is about four weeks away. Then we will be able to plan and create a nursery at the farm. Our babies will always have the farm as their home.

Thank you for following my story. It is not even close to over. We still have the journey to parenthood ahead of us, and I know its not going to be easy. After what we have gone through we will be just fine in the end.

Emotions

We are nearing 3 weeks. We are still dealing with some tension through this but it is getting much better.

I dont cry every time I talk about it now, although sometimes I still do.

I longed for a child for so very long. I was more than thrilled when we became pregnant. However I have lost that dream. I hate that I am now going to be scared for each of my next pregnancies. I just want my babies to be healthy. Moving on is difficult. I dont want to. We are actually planning on moving in a few weeks and I feel guilty that I will be moving from the place where we had our first baby. I feel like I am letting my baby down by moving away. I even tried to get Evan to buy the house so we dont have to let it go. I know it is irrational but it is how I feel. I dont want to move on because I am afraid if I move on then I will lose the memories of Mercy.

These emotions are very complicated, many I did not expect to have.

Guilt- I know I did everything I could, I never missed my medication. I saw the doctors when I was supposed to, but somehow I feel like there was something more I could have done, or something I did that I shouldn't have.

Anger- Though I am not angry at anyone in particular I am still angry it happened. I wish I could just scream!

Sadness- My baby died. I knew I was going to be sad. but how long does this sadness last? Will it ever end? If I am no longer sad, does it mean I miss my baby less?

Frustration - Now I have to go back on infertility medication and go through all of that again, possibly to lose another baby.

Scared- I am terrified that when I do get pregnant again I know there is a possibility I could lose the next baby. I am not so sure I can handle this again.

Alone- Though I know many women have gone through this, However most have not put the thousands of dollars into getting pregnant. And though they still did lose a baby, I lost money and time as well. So how could they relate to the fight I had to put up, just to lose everything I fought for.

Thankful- It sounds funny but Evan and I are definitely working through some buried issues because losing Mercy forced us to.

Resentful- I know I am going to be scared during my next pregnancy, I hate that I might shield myself from the excitement. How unfair is that?

Unmotivated- I just want to sit in a chair and stare at the T.V. I dont want to think of it anymore, looking forward to summer when I can.

Jealous- Anytime I see a pregnant lady, I get jealous of their belly. They are going to have a family. Something I have fought for and still.... nothing.

Defeated- The medicine worked, then something went wrong. Why? I know there is a possibility that I may never have children. The monumental task to get there with all of the emotions as well.

Impatient- I can not wait to get pregnant again! It was an awesome feeling and knowing that I was so tired because I had a child growing was so exciting. I want that feeling again.

Tired- I am tired of trying and failing. I want a family. I want children's laughter to fill my home. I want to raise them and Love them and be a family. But I am tired of the fight.

Failure- I feel like a failure. My body did not carry my baby. There is no way to tell if the baby had a medical issue or if my body has worked against me once again. But I am a woman and my body should be able to carry a baby.

Overwhelmed-- Overwhelmed with the outpouring of support, Love from Evan and my family and friends. I am overwhelmed with all of these emotions. Overwhelmed with the decisions that need to be made.

I know it will get better, I just have to work through all of these...

Until next time...

2 weeks

It has been two weeks since we lost Mercy.
I often think of how far along in the pregnancy I would be today. What we would be doing to prepare for the arrival of our first.

Things have been getting better. The freak outs are becoming less and less. I tend to freak out about things that have nothing to do with the baby, for example taking out the garbage. Evan will get reamed for not doing it. I will blow it up into something huge, After about an hour of arguing I realize that isn't really what is bothering me. Then I apologize to him and he is always very forgiving. He completely understands what I am dealing with.

I am however, ready to get back into a routine. That should happen by Sunday. The routine is very comfortable and that is what I need right now. Evan is also going to be starting his Monday through Friday this coming week too. This will be nice, now we will have the same days off and we can relax together.

I have to say that this is definitely one of the hardest things anyone could go through. I just hope we are the couple who gets stronger because of it and not the couple who is torn apart. I see a little of both in us. Though I see us becoming stronger more than the freak outs. We are beginning to figure out how to go through this as a couple and not individuals.

The statistics say that after one miscarriage your risk does not go up any. This gives me a little hope. Also the fact that I know who is in charge, and his plan is best for all.

prayer

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"

I miss my baby

I texted Evan today, I miss my baby. I was having a weepy day. We would have been 7 weeks today. I think Fridays are going to be difficult.

I have trouble going places alone. Evan is wonderful and after he gets off work he goes with me to the stores and such because I am home alone most of the day.

I was thinking today, Mothers day is going to be especially difficult. It was already difficult because all I wanted was to have a baby. Now I have to spend mothers day this year with Mercy in Heaven. Not sure how I am going to deal with that. And Evan has to deal with Fathers day as well. Thinking about this year and how to get through the holidays and special days without Mercy is going to be very very bitter sweet.

To think about Mercy is difficult. But the grace in this is, I now have an angel baby in Heaven. My first child was born into the arms of Jesus. What a great existence Mercy gets to have. I am not sad for Mercy but sad for Evan and I.

There was a poem I read that helped me. I hope you enjoy.

To my Baby, Mercy.
Lost before I found you,
Gone before you came,
But I loved you just the same.
On Earth we never can,
But in Heaven, we will meet again.

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"

No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it and only God knows why

"I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face....
When I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.

We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two.
We'll have a sweet reunion,
this mother's dream come true!"


"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

What Makes a Mother? - Author Unknown
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked, ’What makes a Mother?’ and I know I heard Him say,
A mother has a baby, this we know is true,
But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?
Yes you can, He replied, with confidence in His voice
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.
I just dont understand this Lord, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear,
I wish the I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say.
’We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mum who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mummy set me free.
I miss my mummy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mummy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here’.
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through,
And on the day I call you home they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you know what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realise until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you ARE a special mum!

Rom 8:29 For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate [to be] conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. (KJV)

The Cord


We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Angels Are Hard to Find

Author Unknown

When God calls little children
To dwell with him above,
We mortals sometime question
The wisdom of His love.

Perhaps God tires of calling
The aged to His fold,
So He picks a rosebud
Before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them,
And so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven'
More beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult
Still somehow we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows
Will always be 'Good-bye'.

So when a little child departs,
We who are left behind
Must realize God loves children, and
ANGELS ARE HARD TO FIND.

Copeing

Losing a baby is very difficult. It doesn't matter if you knew about the baby for a day or 40 weeks. It has been one week since we lost our baby. I was 5 weeks 6 days pregnant when we lost the baby. We had exactly 26 days with Mercy, which was too little time together. We knew about our first child for 13 days, yet we learned to love in a deeper way than we ever thought possible.

Sitting at dinner last Wednesday, when we knew what was about to happen, we decided that our baby deserves a name just like any baby. We decided on Mercy. We dont know if the baby was a boy or girl but we feel Mercy fits.

Thinking about the baby I try to imagine whether boy or girl, if Mercy would have a funny baby or pretty calm. Would Mercy have been compassionate? Would Mercy love the farm like Evan does? All these things we will never know. Talking about it is still very difficult. We miss really our baby.

Mercy didn't get a birth certificate like all other babies so we created one. Its not a birth certificate but a soul certificate. We have it in a pretty frame and hung it on the wall. It is about the only thing we have to remember our first baby by. Mercy was here for such a short time we dont even have an ultrasound to remember by.



No baby we will ever have will replace our first baby, nor do we intend to try to replace Mercy. We will just attempt to grow our family more. We will pray that we get to spend more time with our second child. Hopefully get to know our next baby, feel baby kick, learn their personality, and hold baby in our arms.

We have a baby who was born directly into Heaven, into the arms of Jesus. In that I try to find comfort.

First pregnancy

I had this all typed out waiting to post, I am still going to share as we were so excited...

So about two weeks ago we found out we are expecting!!! I had blood tests and they came back definitely positive!!! I went back for another round of tests and the levels are rising appropriately. Which is so so very exciting!!! I am going back for a third round to see when I can get my first scan. They want to make sure everything is good, I will then be transferred from the infertility specialist back to the OB.

I went out and bought a little baby thing the weekend we found out we were expecting. I am so so excited that we get to start buying little baby things :) Now time to get everything ready!

My biggest pregnancy symptom has been exhaustion! I am so tired. I've been taking naps and I NEVER take naps. Every so often I get little cramps but the doctor said it is from the baby growing.

Evan is excited too! He is already working on a budget for baby stuff and baby's first year. Ive done my research, printed off my check lists and trying to get ready for the upcoming events.

Our current due date is September 28th 2012. That may change when we get our first scan.

Well all of that changed when I got my blood tests back on Wednesday. The Pregnancy hormone had started to decline. This usually means miscarriage. Up until then I was feeling great, tons of energy, too much. We were devastated when the results came in. Evan was trying to keep the hope and so was I, but it seemed so hopeless.

We went to dinner and did a couple other things to try to get our minds off what was about to come. We had a great time together. It was truly better quality time with each other than we have had in a couple weeks, and for that I am definitely Thankful.

Well we went to bed at about 10:30 last night but I couldn't fall into a deep sleep. About 1 in the morning I started bleeding. I called the doctor's answering service, they told me to go to the hospital. So we went, the pain and bleeding got worse. Some of the worst pain I have ever felt. They gave me some medication for the nausea and cramps. They did an exam and an Ultrasound but they didn't find a baby. They said I had already miscarried.

We finally got to leave at about 8:30 am. Evan took me home and went right to work. At 2:30 he came home to take me to my follow up appointment at the doctor. The poor guy has a terrible cold and has not slept in 3 days. It is proof of the wonderful man I have. He is such a good husband. He made sure he was there when and where I needed him. He has finally passed out on the couch and I suspect he is going to sleep a while.

We only knew about our baby for 2 weeks. It was still enough time to get attached. And well now we have an Angel Baby waiting for us in Heaven.

We still have a lot to get through, a lot to figure out, but the doctor gave us hope. We will be able to have a family. I am just learning that sometimes we really have to fight harder than we ever knew we could to get what we want.

It will all work out. I believe God has some big things in store for us, we just cant quite see it yet. So we will have to support and encourage each other until then.

Until next time I update, please say lots of prayers for strength and healing.
Thank you

Time

Time seems to pass so incredibly slow. Waiting for the next cycle to start (but hoping it doesn't), Waiting to start the next round of medication, waiting to Ovulate, Waiting to increase meds.... the time seems to go by so slowly.

However when I look back to when we started the process it seems like yesterday. We are approaching 1 year of active infertility treatments, 17 months since we first approached the doctor. in the past year we have had many many tests, a few different medications tried, and the many cycles. I feel like we are getting closer to the finish line one way or another, however we are so far away. There is no telling the amount of time this could take.

Its really difficult to make decisions to move life forward because this is so uncertain. I have thought about going back to school to get my masters degree, which I plan on doing regardless of how this turns out. However if I get it all started and enrolled and find out we are expecting, that would throw a monkey wrench in the plan. I would want to wait until our kids are in school or something. If we move on to adoption and we are in the process of moving from this house, that would be difficult to have home visits and such. . . Our life plans can are are being held up by the uncertainty of the whole infertility thing. I feel stuck. One thing that is certain though, I do have a wonderful husband who is very supportive and will be there with anything I choose to do. Now I just have to decide. Move on with life and continue to do infertility in-spite of what may happen, or focus efforts on the most important thing in our future, our family. I feel like you can have have all the money, education, and time in the world, but if you dont have relationships or family to share it with, it is all for nothing.

The feeling of the day

accidental scan.

Had a accidental scan, They said things still weren't at the level they should be, but very close. On the up side, I was not charged for it because they suggested it. I was thankful for it because it proved that I do have eggies. :)

I learned one of my favorite movies is Father of the bride 2. LOVE IT :)

Its been a while

Its been a while since I updated. Sorry I Took a break from thinking about it for a bit.

Christmas was just here and I took most of my vacation as a vacation. I tried not to think about it lately. I have been doing better though the process. Though it is getting more intense.

We are in a phase of treatment that not is not only medications but I have to go into doctor appointments about every 2 weeks. Looks like I'm going to get to know these ladies much better. Some days I cant believe that it is taking this much work when some fall pregnant so easily. I get jealous of the pregnancy announcements on facebook, and the new baby pictures even though I love looking at the pictures. Its definitely bitter sweet. Some day I will have my moment.

We have discussed this process in depth. There is a timeline for us, We know this will not go on forever. The thought that at any point I can say I have had enough and we will move on is very freeing. I know I dont have to do this forever and can stop at any point, but we will still have a family. That gives me the freedom to feel jealous, get angry then come back to the spot where I think, Though it is not my choice that this is what we have to go through to start a family. It is my choice to continue on, or to take the other road. That alone gives me strength to continue.

It has been nice to not think about it for a while. I feel refreshed. Ready to start 2012 with more hope that this will be the year we start our family.

Trying to Conceive can and WILL make you crazy!

This trying to have a baby thing has made me crazy. I thought I might share some funny thing trying has compelled me to do. . .

Enjoy and feel free to laugh, I did as I was thinking about this.

• You start to think that putting your legs in the air, or standing on your head will actually help, so you try it.

• You buy and eat loads of fresh pineapple, (until your mouth bleeds from the acid) because you somewhere heard that it will help a baby implant if you did conceive.
  

• Start to discuss fertility and the reproductive system as if everyone knows exactly what you are talking about.

• You start to type in a foreign language, TTC language. This includes acronyms such as DH, FS, TTC, LTTTC, LPD, OH, 2WW, CD, BFP, BFN, and so on.

• Obsessively watch shows such as Teen Mom, 16 and pregnant, One born every minute and so on.
  

• Have your entire baby registry planned online.

• Hide husbands tight underwear because they can cause a lower sperm count.
  

• Ask Husband to take an extra vitamin even though the tests came back all good.

• Have a little green box in your closet filled with baby items you bought for your future baby because you had a moment of hope while standing in the baby section.
  

• Stay up until 2am writing this :)

Update...I talked with some ladies online who are also on this journey, Here are some more you might enjoy.

• Grabbing your breasts hoping they are tender (pregnancy symptom) but grabbing them so much you actually make them tender, so now your confused.

• It doesn't bother you much when you pee on your hands anymore because you Pee on some sort of stick more than half of the month.