It's been a while!

Ok, so it has been almost a year since I last posted. I want to get back into sharing. Since we last met I have done several rounds of clomid, several IUIs, seen a fertility Specialist, and I have had surgery.

But more than that I would like to try to enlighten society about the journey and the emotions involved in this process. I believe this may be why we are on this journey.

There is a stigma that is involved with infertility, the stigma is that it is a choice. The treatment is optional. Though this  may be partially true, this is also partially a myth. I have read somewhere that the emotions of those effected with infertility are similar to those with cancer. Infertility can trigger depression, anxiety, loss of self esteem and many many more negative effects. Not to mention mix that with the hormone treatments and their side effects, you can see where some of the meltdowns come from.

I have had my share of meltdowns. I have over-reacted to things that shouldn't bother me. I have been ungrateful for what I do have and jealous of others. I am however reaching a place where I can be ok with others.

My reproductive organs are not working properly, When someones immune system isn't working properly we give them medicine to help. When someones heart isn't working properly, we put in a pacemaker. How is this any different. We have to find the medication that makes my reproductive system work correctly. I have always been puzzled with how people believe any differently.

I have been told (with love and by more than one person) to adopt. That it is not about becoming pregnant but becoming a mother. How do I know that is what God wants me to do?  How do I know that my patience, persistence, and strength are not what is being tested? If I move to adoption too quickly how do I know I am not missing a lesson God is trying to teach me?

You see, the Infertile, who is actively working towards their family should not be treated any differently than a cancer patient working towards remission. You can say it is different because it is not life or death. This could not be more wrong! I have lost a baby. My baby died. Depression crept into my life. I was not suicidal, however this has happened to many other women and depression can quickly become so severe that suicide enters into the thoughts. Therefore, this is life and death.

The Icing on the cake is that this is NOT covered by insurance. This treatment is all out of pocket. You would be appalled if cancer treatment was not covered, Why are do we not have the same reaction?

I am going to start talking about how this affects my every day. How it affects my choices each day. Please stay tuned.