Hyperstimulation

So, I went in for my mid-cycle ultrasound. They found that I hyperstimulated and one of my ovaries is polycystic. This is not good news, but thankfully this is not permanent, it will go away in time. However I am not sure what this means for the future fertility treatments. With everything so uncertain it is hard to get hopeful for this cycle. God only knows what our future holds, but it is frustrating not knowing what's going on.

Comfort food

Some days I just feel defeated. 
Today is actually not one of them, however a couple of days ago was. I was trying to finish up the stuff before summer break begins. I was hungry but didn't want to cook, so here is the result. 


A pan full of cinnamon rolls. Before you ask, YES I ate the entire pan by myself in under 15 minutes. That was dinner

Quick update. 


We have had more testing. I asked if we could get my LH and FSH levels. This level can indicate if I have a lowered ovarian reserve or if my egg quality is low. I have found research stating that women with O blood type have a higher incidence of high FSH level. 
I am waiting on the call back and I am a little stressed. It will not change what the plan is, however I like to know what is going on. This can also help me prepare for the fact that we may have to go to a reproductive endocrinologist, or fertility treatment center. I haven't brought it up to Evan, but it is something that I am thinking about more and more.

Educating on infertility

Infertility is something that is so secretive that few understand the effects it has on a couple.

I have seen some who are not going through infertility criticize and try to tell me how to feel. Telling me that I am a bad person because  I have trouble being around a baby or pregnant ladies. Who are they to tell me how to feel?

I know that it is sometimes difficult to read into tone over text. Know that this is not yelling, I am not angry with anyone reading this. I want to educate people and give them a glimpse into what infertility looks like. I am not angry because people do not understand. I only get angry when someone believes that my feelings are wrong, but have never had to suffer through the torture of infertility.

So please read below, I think it might help you understand a bit more what we go through each month.

First and foremost

Infertility is not my diagnosis. It is a diagnosis of the couple. Evan and I are diagnosed with infertility. It may be my body that doesn't do what it should, But I sure wouldn't be able to conceive without him..

Infertility is not just a physical diagnosis, it effects every part of our life... 

Let me elaborate...

It affects my self esteem- I have trouble looking at my self and liking what I see.

It affects my self worth - I had always beleived that I would be a mother. Evan even told me that a part of the reason he married me was because I would be a good mother. . . Now I cant even get there, so whats the point?

It affects my motivation - I have trouble caring about anything but the infertility

It affects my focus - I am constantly researching for answers

It affects our marriage- The stress causes little arguments that can often lead to bigger arguments.

It affects my relationship with God- I sometimes struggle with the part God plays in this. Why hasnt he answered my prayers yet?

It affects my relationship with others- I hate going to family functions where babies, baby bellies are going to be there... I should have that... Its not that I am not happy for them, Its that I am so sad for us.

 It affects my privacy - I have had exam after exam (vaginally) as many as 3 in a weeks time. 

It affects our sex life - Suddenly things are very scheduled, we are told when to and when not to be intimate. Romantic right?

It affects our finances - We are still in the beginning of treatments and we are paying about $1,000 a month for medications, doctor bills, counseling sessions ect.

It affects our plans - We have trouble planning much. Everything has to co-inside with the treatments and appointments. The trouble with that is you often don't know when the appointments will be until a week before. But even that can change over night.

Infertility is something we can not "just get over", We can not "just adopt"  And "just relax" is an impossibility when you have to go through everything I listed above.

Studies have shown that the diagnosis of Infertility is something that is completely devastating and compares to that of a tragic loss.

Some very helpful thing to say....

How are you?

Call me if you ever need to vent.

Want a hug?

Lets go shopping!

Want to just hang out and watch a movie?

How are things going? (if you get a one or two word answer, I am probably not in a good place that day...Other days I am dying to talk about it. )

Let me know what I can do to help.

Now I would Love to answer any questions one may have about infertility. If I don't know if the answer I would definitely try to find it.  I will explain the process we are going through, or if you need some resources on infertility to help others you know who are going through the same thing I can give them...

round 3 failed onto round 4

Well it has been a very long time since I have posted.
We have begun trying again since we lost the baby. In fact we the 3rd cycle of Clomid has failed. We are moving onto round 4 of clomid. 
We increased the dose to 100mg.

From this cycle on, everything is much more involved. I have to go in for ultrasounds at the begining of my cycle to make sure there are no residual follicles left from last cycle. I then have to get ultrasounds in the middle of my cycle to see if the follicles are big enough for ovulation. Once they are, then I get a shot to trigger ovulation. 10 days after that I will get my blood drawn to see where my progesterone is. Then I wait for my period.... In the meantime. I try to get all of my work done, stay on top of the house work. I have my counseling sessions and try to have a social life. It is exhausting.

We are on round 4 of Clomid as I said above. I never thought it would take this to have a family. Sometimes I wonder if we will have to do this for a second or third child. What about that big family I wanted? I guess I will have to stay focused on number one for now.

Evan agreed to a "deadline"  I just need to know that this is not going to be a struggle forever. That someday we can make the choice to move onto a different strategy.  Maybe adoption. Maybe foster care. That will be decided about the time of our deadline.

It is hard for people to understand the effects of infertility, I hope to enlighten them.

Things are still not where we want them to be, even with the Clomid. I am not sure what that means, maybe Clomid wont work for us? But then what? How are we going to pay for all of this? It is going to cost us about 1,000 a month in bills. And if all of the infertility medicine fails, will we be able to adopt? you have to qualify financially... I know of couples who have spent their entire savings on infertility treatments so they now don't have what is required to qualify for adoption.

Is that what our future holds?

Life may be easier if we had a clear yes or no, but I don't want it to be a no.

I still think of the baby often, I think I always will. But life is getting a bit easier, while getting harder at the same time.... If that is possible.

I promise to update more often, I just needed a little time off of thinking about it consistently.