round 3 failed onto round 4

Well it has been a very long time since I have posted.
We have begun trying again since we lost the baby. In fact we the 3rd cycle of Clomid has failed. We are moving onto round 4 of clomid. 
We increased the dose to 100mg.

From this cycle on, everything is much more involved. I have to go in for ultrasounds at the begining of my cycle to make sure there are no residual follicles left from last cycle. I then have to get ultrasounds in the middle of my cycle to see if the follicles are big enough for ovulation. Once they are, then I get a shot to trigger ovulation. 10 days after that I will get my blood drawn to see where my progesterone is. Then I wait for my period.... In the meantime. I try to get all of my work done, stay on top of the house work. I have my counseling sessions and try to have a social life. It is exhausting.

We are on round 4 of Clomid as I said above. I never thought it would take this to have a family. Sometimes I wonder if we will have to do this for a second or third child. What about that big family I wanted? I guess I will have to stay focused on number one for now.

Evan agreed to a "deadline"  I just need to know that this is not going to be a struggle forever. That someday we can make the choice to move onto a different strategy.  Maybe adoption. Maybe foster care. That will be decided about the time of our deadline.

It is hard for people to understand the effects of infertility, I hope to enlighten them.

Things are still not where we want them to be, even with the Clomid. I am not sure what that means, maybe Clomid wont work for us? But then what? How are we going to pay for all of this? It is going to cost us about 1,000 a month in bills. And if all of the infertility medicine fails, will we be able to adopt? you have to qualify financially... I know of couples who have spent their entire savings on infertility treatments so they now don't have what is required to qualify for adoption.

Is that what our future holds?

Life may be easier if we had a clear yes or no, but I don't want it to be a no.

I still think of the baby often, I think I always will. But life is getting a bit easier, while getting harder at the same time.... If that is possible.

I promise to update more often, I just needed a little time off of thinking about it consistently.