What was lost

I am reading a book called "what was lost". It is a book by a pastor who lost a baby herself. I finished the first section in one day. There are only 3 sections :) I can not wait to get to section 2. It is really refreshing to know that the grieving process is pretty much the same no matter how far along the pregnancy was.

I would suggest this book to EVERYONE! It opens the eyes into what one feels, sees, thinks, and what happens through the pregnancy. In section 2 it will discuss God and where he was in the process. I am really looking forward to that section.


I have been thinking about those who are afraid to bond with baby until after the first trimester because they are afraid of this happening. I cant help but feel really sorry for them. They are too afraid to love because of the risk of being hurt. I instantly bonded with Mercy. I had my hand on my belly all the time. I Loved taking naps because I was so tired due to the pregnancy. I even talked to Mercy. There is no way I would give that time back to avoid the pain.

I am still in pain, I cry everyday. I wish I had more time. I wish I could have held, even seen my baby. I feel hollow, empty, alone. See, last month I had a life inside me, now, I dont. I cant help but feel alone. I tell Evan often, I miss my baby, I want my baby back. He has been a wonderful support and I believe we are finally back in our groove. The tension is gone and we are there for each other in a much healthier way.

I am trying to figure out how to make this a part of my life story, How to share with everyone the impact this has on a couple. It is not something to dismiss or minimize. Research has been done that states that this loss is as great as losing a close family member or friend.

I dont think I ever want to "get over it". I just want to learn how to make Mercy a meaningful important part of my life. I want to hold onto the memories I have of my first pregnancy and remember it as good. There will forever be a hole in my heart for Mercy but I think someday I will be able to make the hole something very helpful and productive in my life, in my parenting and in my relationship with my Husband and others.