You know, I thought I was doing well. However in the process of packing for the move I reached the office closet. In it is the little green box with all of the baby cloths I bought for Mercy. I cant touch it. I keep looking and thinking, I need to move it so I can pack the closet, but I cannot convince myself to move it. The night we found out that we were losing Mercy, Evan put it in there so I dint have to look at it. Now exactly 4 weeks later it is there again.
I would kind of like to go through it again, however I dont think I am going to have the strength until we have another baby on the way.
Today we were talking at dinner, I asked Evan if we could try for another baby. Evan said "another?" I believe we did have a baby, we just didn't get to keep him or her.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
This week
This last week has been so much easier.
We had a week to settle back into a routine before it is thrown off again with the move. We had an entire weekend to do almost nothing as well. It was really nice to have some time off, even though we still worked. Things have been getting better between Evan and I. I am not as irritable and Evan is starting to talk, even if its not about the baby. We are getting back to the awesome team, Best friends, and supportive partners we once were.
I have received some sympathy cards from some ladies at church. Many of the ladies shared their losses as well. It has given me some validation in the loss I feel. I know I will always have a small hole in my heart, but it is now a part of my life story. Hopefully I will help others who have to go through this. It isn't easy, but when you aren't given a choice, you have to learn how to cope.
I will always miss my baby, Love my baby, and it was a very big loss. Possibly one of the biggest losses anyone could ever experience.
One of the biggest feelings I have had is a feeling of emptiness. I used to have a baby growing inside, however now it is just me. That is probably one of the oddest feelings I have had. I didn't get to feel Mercy move but you better believe I talked to Mercy hoping to get to know my baby some day. I miss talking to Mercy and planning for Mercy's future. Now I get to Share my story, and hopefully have more children.
Right now we are focusing on the move. Getting out to the farm. That is about four weeks away. Then we will be able to plan and create a nursery at the farm. Our babies will always have the farm as their home.
Thank you for following my story. It is not even close to over. We still have the journey to parenthood ahead of us, and I know its not going to be easy. After what we have gone through we will be just fine in the end.
We had a week to settle back into a routine before it is thrown off again with the move. We had an entire weekend to do almost nothing as well. It was really nice to have some time off, even though we still worked. Things have been getting better between Evan and I. I am not as irritable and Evan is starting to talk, even if its not about the baby. We are getting back to the awesome team, Best friends, and supportive partners we once were.
I have received some sympathy cards from some ladies at church. Many of the ladies shared their losses as well. It has given me some validation in the loss I feel. I know I will always have a small hole in my heart, but it is now a part of my life story. Hopefully I will help others who have to go through this. It isn't easy, but when you aren't given a choice, you have to learn how to cope.
I will always miss my baby, Love my baby, and it was a very big loss. Possibly one of the biggest losses anyone could ever experience.
One of the biggest feelings I have had is a feeling of emptiness. I used to have a baby growing inside, however now it is just me. That is probably one of the oddest feelings I have had. I didn't get to feel Mercy move but you better believe I talked to Mercy hoping to get to know my baby some day. I miss talking to Mercy and planning for Mercy's future. Now I get to Share my story, and hopefully have more children.
Right now we are focusing on the move. Getting out to the farm. That is about four weeks away. Then we will be able to plan and create a nursery at the farm. Our babies will always have the farm as their home.
Thank you for following my story. It is not even close to over. We still have the journey to parenthood ahead of us, and I know its not going to be easy. After what we have gone through we will be just fine in the end.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Emotions
We are nearing 3 weeks. We are still dealing with some tension through this but it is getting much better.
I dont cry every time I talk about it now, although sometimes I still do.
I longed for a child for so very long. I was more than thrilled when we became pregnant. However I have lost that dream. I hate that I am now going to be scared for each of my next pregnancies. I just want my babies to be healthy. Moving on is difficult. I dont want to. We are actually planning on moving in a few weeks and I feel guilty that I will be moving from the place where we had our first baby. I feel like I am letting my baby down by moving away. I even tried to get Evan to buy the house so we dont have to let it go. I know it is irrational but it is how I feel. I dont want to move on because I am afraid if I move on then I will lose the memories of Mercy.
These emotions are very complicated, many I did not expect to have.
Guilt- I know I did everything I could, I never missed my medication. I saw the doctors when I was supposed to, but somehow I feel like there was something more I could have done, or something I did that I shouldn't have.
Anger- Though I am not angry at anyone in particular I am still angry it happened. I wish I could just scream!
Sadness- My baby died. I knew I was going to be sad. but how long does this sadness last? Will it ever end? If I am no longer sad, does it mean I miss my baby less?
Frustration - Now I have to go back on infertility medication and go through all of that again, possibly to lose another baby.
Scared- I am terrified that when I do get pregnant again I know there is a possibility I could lose the next baby. I am not so sure I can handle this again.
Alone- Though I know many women have gone through this, However most have not put the thousands of dollars into getting pregnant. And though they still did lose a baby, I lost money and time as well. So how could they relate to the fight I had to put up, just to lose everything I fought for.
Thankful- It sounds funny but Evan and I are definitely working through some buried issues because losing Mercy forced us to.
Resentful- I know I am going to be scared during my next pregnancy, I hate that I might shield myself from the excitement. How unfair is that?
Unmotivated- I just want to sit in a chair and stare at the T.V. I dont want to think of it anymore, looking forward to summer when I can.
Jealous- Anytime I see a pregnant lady, I get jealous of their belly. They are going to have a family. Something I have fought for and still.... nothing.
Defeated- The medicine worked, then something went wrong. Why? I know there is a possibility that I may never have children. The monumental task to get there with all of the emotions as well.
Impatient- I can not wait to get pregnant again! It was an awesome feeling and knowing that I was so tired because I had a child growing was so exciting. I want that feeling again.
Tired- I am tired of trying and failing. I want a family. I want children's laughter to fill my home. I want to raise them and Love them and be a family. But I am tired of the fight.
Failure- I feel like a failure. My body did not carry my baby. There is no way to tell if the baby had a medical issue or if my body has worked against me once again. But I am a woman and my body should be able to carry a baby.
Overwhelmed-- Overwhelmed with the outpouring of support, Love from Evan and my family and friends. I am overwhelmed with all of these emotions. Overwhelmed with the decisions that need to be made.
I know it will get better, I just have to work through all of these...
Until next time...
I dont cry every time I talk about it now, although sometimes I still do.
I longed for a child for so very long. I was more than thrilled when we became pregnant. However I have lost that dream. I hate that I am now going to be scared for each of my next pregnancies. I just want my babies to be healthy. Moving on is difficult. I dont want to. We are actually planning on moving in a few weeks and I feel guilty that I will be moving from the place where we had our first baby. I feel like I am letting my baby down by moving away. I even tried to get Evan to buy the house so we dont have to let it go. I know it is irrational but it is how I feel. I dont want to move on because I am afraid if I move on then I will lose the memories of Mercy.
These emotions are very complicated, many I did not expect to have.
Guilt- I know I did everything I could, I never missed my medication. I saw the doctors when I was supposed to, but somehow I feel like there was something more I could have done, or something I did that I shouldn't have.
Anger- Though I am not angry at anyone in particular I am still angry it happened. I wish I could just scream!
Sadness- My baby died. I knew I was going to be sad. but how long does this sadness last? Will it ever end? If I am no longer sad, does it mean I miss my baby less?
Frustration - Now I have to go back on infertility medication and go through all of that again, possibly to lose another baby.
Scared- I am terrified that when I do get pregnant again I know there is a possibility I could lose the next baby. I am not so sure I can handle this again.
Alone- Though I know many women have gone through this, However most have not put the thousands of dollars into getting pregnant. And though they still did lose a baby, I lost money and time as well. So how could they relate to the fight I had to put up, just to lose everything I fought for.
Thankful- It sounds funny but Evan and I are definitely working through some buried issues because losing Mercy forced us to.
Resentful- I know I am going to be scared during my next pregnancy, I hate that I might shield myself from the excitement. How unfair is that?
Unmotivated- I just want to sit in a chair and stare at the T.V. I dont want to think of it anymore, looking forward to summer when I can.
Jealous- Anytime I see a pregnant lady, I get jealous of their belly. They are going to have a family. Something I have fought for and still.... nothing.
Defeated- The medicine worked, then something went wrong. Why? I know there is a possibility that I may never have children. The monumental task to get there with all of the emotions as well.
Impatient- I can not wait to get pregnant again! It was an awesome feeling and knowing that I was so tired because I had a child growing was so exciting. I want that feeling again.
Tired- I am tired of trying and failing. I want a family. I want children's laughter to fill my home. I want to raise them and Love them and be a family. But I am tired of the fight.
Failure- I feel like a failure. My body did not carry my baby. There is no way to tell if the baby had a medical issue or if my body has worked against me once again. But I am a woman and my body should be able to carry a baby.
Overwhelmed-- Overwhelmed with the outpouring of support, Love from Evan and my family and friends. I am overwhelmed with all of these emotions. Overwhelmed with the decisions that need to be made.
I know it will get better, I just have to work through all of these...
Until next time...
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
2 weeks
It has been two weeks since we lost Mercy.
I often think of how far along in the pregnancy I would be today. What we would be doing to prepare for the arrival of our first.
Things have been getting better. The freak outs are becoming less and less. I tend to freak out about things that have nothing to do with the baby, for example taking out the garbage. Evan will get reamed for not doing it. I will blow it up into something huge, After about an hour of arguing I realize that isn't really what is bothering me. Then I apologize to him and he is always very forgiving. He completely understands what I am dealing with.
I am however, ready to get back into a routine. That should happen by Sunday. The routine is very comfortable and that is what I need right now. Evan is also going to be starting his Monday through Friday this coming week too. This will be nice, now we will have the same days off and we can relax together.
I have to say that this is definitely one of the hardest things anyone could go through. I just hope we are the couple who gets stronger because of it and not the couple who is torn apart. I see a little of both in us. Though I see us becoming stronger more than the freak outs. We are beginning to figure out how to go through this as a couple and not individuals.
The statistics say that after one miscarriage your risk does not go up any. This gives me a little hope. Also the fact that I know who is in charge, and his plan is best for all.
I often think of how far along in the pregnancy I would be today. What we would be doing to prepare for the arrival of our first.
Things have been getting better. The freak outs are becoming less and less. I tend to freak out about things that have nothing to do with the baby, for example taking out the garbage. Evan will get reamed for not doing it. I will blow it up into something huge, After about an hour of arguing I realize that isn't really what is bothering me. Then I apologize to him and he is always very forgiving. He completely understands what I am dealing with.
I am however, ready to get back into a routine. That should happen by Sunday. The routine is very comfortable and that is what I need right now. Evan is also going to be starting his Monday through Friday this coming week too. This will be nice, now we will have the same days off and we can relax together.
I have to say that this is definitely one of the hardest things anyone could go through. I just hope we are the couple who gets stronger because of it and not the couple who is torn apart. I see a little of both in us. Though I see us becoming stronger more than the freak outs. We are beginning to figure out how to go through this as a couple and not individuals.
The statistics say that after one miscarriage your risk does not go up any. This gives me a little hope. Also the fact that I know who is in charge, and his plan is best for all.
Friday, February 10, 2012
prayer
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"
I miss my baby
I texted Evan today, I miss my baby. I was having a weepy day. We would have been 7 weeks today. I think Fridays are going to be difficult.
I have trouble going places alone. Evan is wonderful and after he gets off work he goes with me to the stores and such because I am home alone most of the day.
I was thinking today, Mothers day is going to be especially difficult. It was already difficult because all I wanted was to have a baby. Now I have to spend mothers day this year with Mercy in Heaven. Not sure how I am going to deal with that. And Evan has to deal with Fathers day as well. Thinking about this year and how to get through the holidays and special days without Mercy is going to be very very bitter sweet.
To think about Mercy is difficult. But the grace in this is, I now have an angel baby in Heaven. My first child was born into the arms of Jesus. What a great existence Mercy gets to have. I am not sad for Mercy but sad for Evan and I.
There was a poem I read that helped me. I hope you enjoy.
To my Baby, Mercy.
Lost before I found you,
Gone before you came,
But I loved you just the same.
On Earth we never can,
But in Heaven, we will meet again.
"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"
No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it and only God knows why
"I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face....
When I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.
We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two.
We'll have a sweet reunion,
this mother's dream come true!"
"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"
What Makes a Mother? - Author Unknown
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked, ’What makes a Mother?’ and I know I heard Him say,
A mother has a baby, this we know is true,
But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?
Yes you can, He replied, with confidence in His voice
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.
I just dont understand this Lord, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear,
I wish the I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say.
’We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mum who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mummy set me free.
I miss my mummy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mummy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here’.
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through,
And on the day I call you home they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you know what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realise until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you ARE a special mum!
Rom 8:29 For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate [to be] conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. (KJV)
The Cord
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!
I have trouble going places alone. Evan is wonderful and after he gets off work he goes with me to the stores and such because I am home alone most of the day.
I was thinking today, Mothers day is going to be especially difficult. It was already difficult because all I wanted was to have a baby. Now I have to spend mothers day this year with Mercy in Heaven. Not sure how I am going to deal with that. And Evan has to deal with Fathers day as well. Thinking about this year and how to get through the holidays and special days without Mercy is going to be very very bitter sweet.
To think about Mercy is difficult. But the grace in this is, I now have an angel baby in Heaven. My first child was born into the arms of Jesus. What a great existence Mercy gets to have. I am not sad for Mercy but sad for Evan and I.
There was a poem I read that helped me. I hope you enjoy.
To my Baby, Mercy.
Lost before I found you,
Gone before you came,
But I loved you just the same.
On Earth we never can,
But in Heaven, we will meet again.
"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"
No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it and only God knows why
"I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face....
When I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.
We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two.
We'll have a sweet reunion,
this mother's dream come true!"
"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"
What Makes a Mother? - Author Unknown
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked, ’What makes a Mother?’ and I know I heard Him say,
A mother has a baby, this we know is true,
But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?
Yes you can, He replied, with confidence in His voice
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.
I just dont understand this Lord, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear,
I wish the I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say.
’We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mum who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mummy set me free.
I miss my mummy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mummy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here’.
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through,
And on the day I call you home they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you know what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realise until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you ARE a special mum!
Rom 8:29 For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate [to be] conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. (KJV)
The Cord
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!
Angels Are Hard to Find
Author Unknown
When God calls little children
To dwell with him above,
We mortals sometime question
The wisdom of His love.
Perhaps God tires of calling
The aged to His fold,
So He picks a rosebud
Before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them,
And so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven'
More beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult
Still somehow we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows
Will always be 'Good-bye'.
So when a little child departs,
We who are left behind
Must realize God loves children, and
ANGELS ARE HARD TO FIND.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Copeing
Losing a baby is very difficult. It doesn't matter if you knew about the baby for a day or 40 weeks. It has been one week since we lost our baby. I was 5 weeks 6 days pregnant when we lost the baby. We had exactly 26 days with Mercy, which was too little time together. We knew about our first child for 13 days, yet we learned to love in a deeper way than we ever thought possible.
Sitting at dinner last Wednesday, when we knew what was about to happen, we decided that our baby deserves a name just like any baby. We decided on Mercy. We dont know if the baby was a boy or girl but we feel Mercy fits.
Thinking about the baby I try to imagine whether boy or girl, if Mercy would have a funny baby or pretty calm. Would Mercy have been compassionate? Would Mercy love the farm like Evan does? All these things we will never know. Talking about it is still very difficult. We miss really our baby.
Mercy didn't get a birth certificate like all other babies so we created one. Its not a birth certificate but a soul certificate. We have it in a pretty frame and hung it on the wall. It is about the only thing we have to remember our first baby by. Mercy was here for such a short time we dont even have an ultrasound to remember by.
No baby we will ever have will replace our first baby, nor do we intend to try to replace Mercy. We will just attempt to grow our family more. We will pray that we get to spend more time with our second child. Hopefully get to know our next baby, feel baby kick, learn their personality, and hold baby in our arms.
We have a baby who was born directly into Heaven, into the arms of Jesus. In that I try to find comfort.
Sitting at dinner last Wednesday, when we knew what was about to happen, we decided that our baby deserves a name just like any baby. We decided on Mercy. We dont know if the baby was a boy or girl but we feel Mercy fits.
Thinking about the baby I try to imagine whether boy or girl, if Mercy would have a funny baby or pretty calm. Would Mercy have been compassionate? Would Mercy love the farm like Evan does? All these things we will never know. Talking about it is still very difficult. We miss really our baby.
Mercy didn't get a birth certificate like all other babies so we created one. Its not a birth certificate but a soul certificate. We have it in a pretty frame and hung it on the wall. It is about the only thing we have to remember our first baby by. Mercy was here for such a short time we dont even have an ultrasound to remember by.
No baby we will ever have will replace our first baby, nor do we intend to try to replace Mercy. We will just attempt to grow our family more. We will pray that we get to spend more time with our second child. Hopefully get to know our next baby, feel baby kick, learn their personality, and hold baby in our arms.
We have a baby who was born directly into Heaven, into the arms of Jesus. In that I try to find comfort.
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