Emotions

We are nearing 3 weeks. We are still dealing with some tension through this but it is getting much better.

I dont cry every time I talk about it now, although sometimes I still do.

I longed for a child for so very long. I was more than thrilled when we became pregnant. However I have lost that dream. I hate that I am now going to be scared for each of my next pregnancies. I just want my babies to be healthy. Moving on is difficult. I dont want to. We are actually planning on moving in a few weeks and I feel guilty that I will be moving from the place where we had our first baby. I feel like I am letting my baby down by moving away. I even tried to get Evan to buy the house so we dont have to let it go. I know it is irrational but it is how I feel. I dont want to move on because I am afraid if I move on then I will lose the memories of Mercy.

These emotions are very complicated, many I did not expect to have.

Guilt- I know I did everything I could, I never missed my medication. I saw the doctors when I was supposed to, but somehow I feel like there was something more I could have done, or something I did that I shouldn't have.

Anger- Though I am not angry at anyone in particular I am still angry it happened. I wish I could just scream!

Sadness- My baby died. I knew I was going to be sad. but how long does this sadness last? Will it ever end? If I am no longer sad, does it mean I miss my baby less?

Frustration - Now I have to go back on infertility medication and go through all of that again, possibly to lose another baby.

Scared- I am terrified that when I do get pregnant again I know there is a possibility I could lose the next baby. I am not so sure I can handle this again.

Alone- Though I know many women have gone through this, However most have not put the thousands of dollars into getting pregnant. And though they still did lose a baby, I lost money and time as well. So how could they relate to the fight I had to put up, just to lose everything I fought for.

Thankful- It sounds funny but Evan and I are definitely working through some buried issues because losing Mercy forced us to.

Resentful- I know I am going to be scared during my next pregnancy, I hate that I might shield myself from the excitement. How unfair is that?

Unmotivated- I just want to sit in a chair and stare at the T.V. I dont want to think of it anymore, looking forward to summer when I can.

Jealous- Anytime I see a pregnant lady, I get jealous of their belly. They are going to have a family. Something I have fought for and still.... nothing.

Defeated- The medicine worked, then something went wrong. Why? I know there is a possibility that I may never have children. The monumental task to get there with all of the emotions as well.

Impatient- I can not wait to get pregnant again! It was an awesome feeling and knowing that I was so tired because I had a child growing was so exciting. I want that feeling again.

Tired- I am tired of trying and failing. I want a family. I want children's laughter to fill my home. I want to raise them and Love them and be a family. But I am tired of the fight.

Failure- I feel like a failure. My body did not carry my baby. There is no way to tell if the baby had a medical issue or if my body has worked against me once again. But I am a woman and my body should be able to carry a baby.

Overwhelmed-- Overwhelmed with the outpouring of support, Love from Evan and my family and friends. I am overwhelmed with all of these emotions. Overwhelmed with the decisions that need to be made.

I know it will get better, I just have to work through all of these...

Until next time...