Its been a while since I updated. Sorry I Took a break from thinking about it for a bit.
Christmas was just here and I took most of my vacation as a vacation. I tried not to think about it lately. I have been doing better though the process. Though it is getting more intense.
We are in a phase of treatment that not is not only medications but I have to go into doctor appointments about every 2 weeks. Looks like I'm going to get to know these ladies much better. Some days I cant believe that it is taking this much work when some fall pregnant so easily. I get jealous of the pregnancy announcements on facebook, and the new baby pictures even though I love looking at the pictures. Its definitely bitter sweet. Some day I will have my moment.
We have discussed this process in depth. There is a timeline for us, We know this will not go on forever. The thought that at any point I can say I have had enough and we will move on is very freeing. I know I dont have to do this forever and can stop at any point, but we will still have a family. That gives me the freedom to feel jealous, get angry then come back to the spot where I think, Though it is not my choice that this is what we have to go through to start a family. It is my choice to continue on, or to take the other road. That alone gives me strength to continue.
It has been nice to not think about it for a while. I feel refreshed. Ready to start 2012 with more hope that this will be the year we start our family.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Trying to Conceive can and WILL make you crazy!
This trying to have a baby thing has made me crazy. I thought I might share some funny thing trying has compelled me to do. . .
Enjoy and feel free to laugh, I did as I was thinking about this.
Enjoy and feel free to laugh, I did as I was thinking about this.
- You start to think that putting your legs in the air, or standing on your head will actually help, so you try it.
- You buy and eat loads of fresh pineapple, (until your mouth bleeds from the acid) because you somewhere heard that it will help a baby implant if you did conceive.
- Start to discuss fertility and the reproductive system as if everyone knows exactly what you are talking about.
- You start to type in a foreign language, TTC language. This includes acronyms such as DH, FS, TTC, LTTTC, LPD, OH, 2WW, CD, BFP, BFN, and so on.
- Obsessively watch shows such as Teen Mom, 16 and pregnant, One born every minute and so on.
- Have your entire baby registry planned online.
- Hide husbands tight underwear because they can cause a lower sperm count.
- Ask Husband to take an extra vitamin even though the tests came back all good.
- Have a little green box in your closet filled with baby items you bought for your future baby because you had a moment of hope while standing in the baby section.
- Stay up until 2am writing this :)
Update...I talked with some ladies online who are also on this journey, Here are some more you might enjoy.
- Grabbing your breasts hoping they are tender (pregnancy symptom) but grabbing them so much you actually make them tender, so now your confused.
- It doesn't bother you much when you pee on your hands anymore because you Pee on some sort of stick more than half of the month.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Denial
Well at the last doctor appointment, as the doctor was explaining to Evan why we were on the current treatments, I realized that we are not "unexplained". She diagnosed me with Lueteal phase deficiency. I had heard this before and had mixed feelings about it. She stated that due to the last blood tests I do in-fact have LPD.
Lueteal phase is the second half of the menstrual cycle. It is the length between ovulation and period. This means that my lueteal phase is not long enough. The problem with that is if we did conceive, the baby would not have enough time to implant and survive.
I was on a round of medicine that did help my hormone levels raise, and it looks like it lengthened my lueteal phase as well. We will see if this is the only problem or if there is something the doctors dont see yet.
It kills me to think that we may have conceived but my body betrayed me and didn't recognize them, or give them time to survive. This is something I will never really know but we have to move forward and try these different treatments and see if they help.
Lueteal phase is the second half of the menstrual cycle. It is the length between ovulation and period. This means that my lueteal phase is not long enough. The problem with that is if we did conceive, the baby would not have enough time to implant and survive.
I was on a round of medicine that did help my hormone levels raise, and it looks like it lengthened my lueteal phase as well. We will see if this is the only problem or if there is something the doctors dont see yet.
It kills me to think that we may have conceived but my body betrayed me and didn't recognize them, or give them time to survive. This is something I will never really know but we have to move forward and try these different treatments and see if they help.
Doctor appointments
Appointments??
Ok so funny thing. Monday Evan had an Eye doctor appointment at 9am and we had one for our infertility at 4:30. Evan comes home and said the people at the desk didn't understand that he hasn't had contacts before so they couldnt do the appointment like he had planned. Then, at the gyno appointment, They didn't have me scheduled like they had said. All we wanted to do was discuss our plans for future treatments and options regarding our current treatments, so they fit us in. OK, well I found it funny anyway :)
At the appointment I really learned that Evan was more concerned than I had thought. But at the same time he was a little removed from some of the processes. Well the doc calmed his concerns about the side effects of the medications, I didn't realize how concerned he was about that. She explained that the next step of medications are more potent, and some fertility specialists may not move forward with IVF if we have not gone through these steps. So even though this medicine is difficult and Evan isn't completely comfortable with the medicine, We will continue.
Since Harvest is over for him, he has become much more in-tune to the process and is giving me more than the "do what you need to do" comments.
Ok so funny thing. Monday Evan had an Eye doctor appointment at 9am and we had one for our infertility at 4:30. Evan comes home and said the people at the desk didn't understand that he hasn't had contacts before so they couldnt do the appointment like he had planned. Then, at the gyno appointment, They didn't have me scheduled like they had said. All we wanted to do was discuss our plans for future treatments and options regarding our current treatments, so they fit us in. OK, well I found it funny anyway :)
At the appointment I really learned that Evan was more concerned than I had thought. But at the same time he was a little removed from some of the processes. Well the doc calmed his concerns about the side effects of the medications, I didn't realize how concerned he was about that. She explained that the next step of medications are more potent, and some fertility specialists may not move forward with IVF if we have not gone through these steps. So even though this medicine is difficult and Evan isn't completely comfortable with the medicine, We will continue.
Since Harvest is over for him, he has become much more in-tune to the process and is giving me more than the "do what you need to do" comments.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Good News?
Well another test result came back. It came back all good.
Is that really good news? At first glance yes, but we have had so much "good news" that they can not figure out exactly what is stopping us from conceiving. So the more "good news" I get, the more frustrated I get.
The consideration to just move on and begin the adoption process has been popping into my head more and more. Evan has considered it too, his biggest fear is the side effects of the medication. However, I dont want to look back and wonder why I didn't do more. Why I didn't try this or that. I want a family with my husband.
On a side note.
I was told once again "it will happen" by someone with the most sincere heart trying to support me. But with all the crazy hormones, the frustration all I could think was this...
Thank you, but can you guarantee it? Can you promise that so I don't have to take all this medication, so I don't have to stress about the next test, the affect it has on my job performance?
I really do know that the person who said it, said it with all the best intention, and I thank them for that from the bottom of my heart, but that is not something you can tell me with certainty, so please refrain from telling me it will happen. (unless you are a trained doctor or something :) )
I often feel guilty for the way I feel when someone tries to support me but isn't quite sure how. I don't like thinking that way, but sometimes it is a gut punch and I don't know how to respond. I am still working on how to work through those emotions.
Uncertainty is one of the most difficult things for me in life. Now I have to deal with it in a bigger way than I ever knew.
Is that really good news? At first glance yes, but we have had so much "good news" that they can not figure out exactly what is stopping us from conceiving. So the more "good news" I get, the more frustrated I get.
The consideration to just move on and begin the adoption process has been popping into my head more and more. Evan has considered it too, his biggest fear is the side effects of the medication. However, I dont want to look back and wonder why I didn't do more. Why I didn't try this or that. I want a family with my husband.
On a side note.
I was told once again "it will happen" by someone with the most sincere heart trying to support me. But with all the crazy hormones, the frustration all I could think was this...
Thank you, but can you guarantee it? Can you promise that so I don't have to take all this medication, so I don't have to stress about the next test, the affect it has on my job performance?
I really do know that the person who said it, said it with all the best intention, and I thank them for that from the bottom of my heart, but that is not something you can tell me with certainty, so please refrain from telling me it will happen. (unless you are a trained doctor or something :) )
I often feel guilty for the way I feel when someone tries to support me but isn't quite sure how. I don't like thinking that way, but sometimes it is a gut punch and I don't know how to respond. I am still working on how to work through those emotions.
Uncertainty is one of the most difficult things for me in life. Now I have to deal with it in a bigger way than I ever knew.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
X-rays and Fertility?
So everything was going well today. I was happy, hopeful for this month. Evan and I began talking we discussed all the medications I am on. I told him that I have always kind of known that it was going to be difficult for me to have children. No doctor told me, just a gut feeling.
See as a teenager I was diagnosed with scoliosis. This is the curvature of the spine. I needed many many X-rays. The doctors never put a lead lap belt on me. It always bothered me but then I was too timid to say anything. Now they think my egg quality may be a little low. I never told Evan about the X-rays, as I thought it wasn't a big deal. It is what it is. The medication concerns Evan, So he has asked me to schedule an appointment so he can talk to the doc about the risks of the medications and what the results of taking a break would be.
So we are adding yet another doctor appointment because Evan wasn't quite engaged in the medicine and told me to go to my appointments alone. I tried to explain what was happening and what the risks of the medicine were. So tomorrow I will call to make an appointment so Evan can make more informed decisions as to when we will take a break, if we want to try IUI or just go to IVF. or if we want to skip it completely and go to adoption.
These decisions are huge, and definitely stressful! They will affect the rest of our lives. I am glad Evan is becoming more interested in the process.
This is similar to what my X-rays looked like before and after surgery
See as a teenager I was diagnosed with scoliosis. This is the curvature of the spine. I needed many many X-rays. The doctors never put a lead lap belt on me. It always bothered me but then I was too timid to say anything. Now they think my egg quality may be a little low. I never told Evan about the X-rays, as I thought it wasn't a big deal. It is what it is. The medication concerns Evan, So he has asked me to schedule an appointment so he can talk to the doc about the risks of the medications and what the results of taking a break would be.
So we are adding yet another doctor appointment because Evan wasn't quite engaged in the medicine and told me to go to my appointments alone. I tried to explain what was happening and what the risks of the medicine were. So tomorrow I will call to make an appointment so Evan can make more informed decisions as to when we will take a break, if we want to try IUI or just go to IVF. or if we want to skip it completely and go to adoption.
These decisions are huge, and definitely stressful! They will affect the rest of our lives. I am glad Evan is becoming more interested in the process.
This is similar to what my X-rays looked like before and after surgery
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
I feel a breakdown coming
You know its funny how well infertility makes you get to know yourself. I have been doing well, waiting for the next round of tests, but yesterday morning I woke up feeling a breakdown coming on. I kept myself busy all day, driving an hour to meet my siblings, plus the drive back. I cleaned like mad and made dinner for Evan's parents. Then to bed. Today I slept in, like 10 hours! I can still feel it coming.
After trying to keep busy today as well, Evan and I went to Burger king for dinner. As we were talking, discussing everything from education, to the farm, to building a family, I couldn't much discuss it with out crying in public. He instantly recognized it and changed the subject. How wonderful a man do I have! Now He has gone to bed, now I am watching videos from celebrities such as Sheri Shepard who have gone through this. All I can do is cry. It may be the Hormone therapy, it may be the upcoming tests, or it may be stress from work. But all of this added together makes trying very very difficult.
So now I am going to go to bed, cry a little, and lay next to Evan, I know he may be asleep but lying next to him gives me a little strength.
Tomorrow I am going dress shopping with my mom and sister for my sisters wedding gown. That should get my mind off things for a little while.
Hopefully this breakdown doesn't last long. I have Christmas shopping to do! :)
After trying to keep busy today as well, Evan and I went to Burger king for dinner. As we were talking, discussing everything from education, to the farm, to building a family, I couldn't much discuss it with out crying in public. He instantly recognized it and changed the subject. How wonderful a man do I have! Now He has gone to bed, now I am watching videos from celebrities such as Sheri Shepard who have gone through this. All I can do is cry. It may be the Hormone therapy, it may be the upcoming tests, or it may be stress from work. But all of this added together makes trying very very difficult.
So now I am going to go to bed, cry a little, and lay next to Evan, I know he may be asleep but lying next to him gives me a little strength.
Tomorrow I am going dress shopping with my mom and sister for my sisters wedding gown. That should get my mind off things for a little while.
Hopefully this breakdown doesn't last long. I have Christmas shopping to do! :)
Friday, December 9, 2011
Some infertility humor
Some days are better than others. Here are some jokes that have brought me from a bad day to a good day. . . I hope you enjoy them too :)
An 80-year-old couple went to the doctor to find out if it was too late for them to have kids. The doctor told them that it would be best if the husband gave a sperm sample, as he could then check his count and see if it was possible for him to father a child.
He gave them a jar and sent them into a side room to get a sample. After much groaning and grunting and even a little screaming the couple came and gave the jar back to the doctor. On checking the doctor found it to be empty and asked the couple to explain.
Well, said the old man, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with my right hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her right hand, then with her left hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, but no matter how we tried we couldnt get the lid off the jar.
Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't ask for directions either!
You know you are trying to get pregnant when:
You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm . . .
or . . . Someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21" . . .
How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .
An 80-year-old couple went to the doctor to find out if it was too late for them to have kids. The doctor told them that it would be best if the husband gave a sperm sample, as he could then check his count and see if it was possible for him to father a child.
He gave them a jar and sent them into a side room to get a sample. After much groaning and grunting and even a little screaming the couple came and gave the jar back to the doctor. On checking the doctor found it to be empty and asked the couple to explain.
Well, said the old man, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with my right hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her right hand, then with her left hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, but no matter how we tried we couldnt get the lid off the jar.
Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't ask for directions either!
You know you are trying to get pregnant when:
You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm . . .
or . . . Someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21" . . .
How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Hello!
We created this to share our journey.
It has definitely not been an easy one and I will update soon with more specifics.
I decided to share this journey so you can have a little insight into our lives as we continue down the path. This journey is difficult, but I would like to share anyways. 1 in 8 couples experience infertility at some point in their lives. My hope is to bring a little light as to how to support a couple going through infertility.
When talking to someone who is dealing with this keep in mind these things, We know you mean well but they may not come across that way.
- Asking if they have thought about this or that is not helpful... they have considered most options at one point or another, they may be still looking into them and need time to make the decision, or they are just not ready to talk about it.
- Asking if we are pregnant, Though I know you would like to know, it will likely just remind us that we are in-fact not pregnant. When we are, we will definitely let you know :)
- letting us know you are thinking about us, will make our day :) We love to hear we have family and friends close to us, supporting us.
- We would love to see your comments, Please do not hesitate to comment on a post. Ask questions, I would be happy to answer whatever you are curious about.
One last thing.
Though this journey is difficult, we believe that God has put us on this path as a blessing. Through this we have become a closer stronger couple, We have come to know God's character in a deeper light. We have also learned more about ourselves as individuals.
Lastly, we have NO FEAR that we will one day have a family. Its the journey to figure out when and how we will become a family that is the difficult part, and we would like to share that journey with you.
Hope you learn something from our journey!
Infertility in review
Hi all,
I am going to give some background on this journey to catch up.
When Evan and I got married, we had discussed Birth control. We decided to do the Natural family planning at first. Well being newlywed that didn't work so well. LOL. Naturally, I found my self not long after hoping we would have a family. So we would talk about it more and more and Evan found himself hoping as well, I was so excited! So we began trying.
Months went by and nothing happened. I told Evan I wanted to get things checked out, just to make sure everything was okay. I went she found nothing wrong so she asked me to come back in a few months. So we waited, tried, nothing. We then started our journey with fertility treatments. Between the two of us, we have had many tests, tried several different medications. Still nothing.
My plan through this is to help you understand the infertility journey a little more. The daily struggles it contains, and the cycle of hope, prayer, frustrations, disappointment.
I hope to educate you on how to support a couple through this journey. As well as laugh a little as we continue on. Please Don't feel sorry for us because we are on a unique path, and as difficult as it is, we are very thankful!
WE love you all and thank you for taking the time to read this. It is very close to our hearts.
I am going to give some background on this journey to catch up.
When Evan and I got married, we had discussed Birth control. We decided to do the Natural family planning at first. Well being newlywed that didn't work so well. LOL. Naturally, I found my self not long after hoping we would have a family. So we would talk about it more and more and Evan found himself hoping as well, I was so excited! So we began trying.
Months went by and nothing happened. I told Evan I wanted to get things checked out, just to make sure everything was okay. I went she found nothing wrong so she asked me to come back in a few months. So we waited, tried, nothing. We then started our journey with fertility treatments. Between the two of us, we have had many tests, tried several different medications. Still nothing.
My plan through this is to help you understand the infertility journey a little more. The daily struggles it contains, and the cycle of hope, prayer, frustrations, disappointment.
I hope to educate you on how to support a couple through this journey. As well as laugh a little as we continue on. Please Don't feel sorry for us because we are on a unique path, and as difficult as it is, we are very thankful!
WE love you all and thank you for taking the time to read this. It is very close to our hearts.
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