You know, I thought I was doing well. However in the process of packing for the move I reached the office closet. In it is the little green box with all of the baby cloths I bought for Mercy. I cant touch it. I keep looking and thinking, I need to move it so I can pack the closet, but I cannot convince myself to move it. The night we found out that we were losing Mercy, Evan put it in there so I dint have to look at it. Now exactly 4 weeks later it is there again.
I would kind of like to go through it again, however I dont think I am going to have the strength until we have another baby on the way.
Today we were talking at dinner, I asked Evan if we could try for another baby. Evan said "another?" I believe we did have a baby, we just didn't get to keep him or her.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
This week
This last week has been so much easier.
We had a week to settle back into a routine before it is thrown off again with the move. We had an entire weekend to do almost nothing as well. It was really nice to have some time off, even though we still worked. Things have been getting better between Evan and I. I am not as irritable and Evan is starting to talk, even if its not about the baby. We are getting back to the awesome team, Best friends, and supportive partners we once were.
I have received some sympathy cards from some ladies at church. Many of the ladies shared their losses as well. It has given me some validation in the loss I feel. I know I will always have a small hole in my heart, but it is now a part of my life story. Hopefully I will help others who have to go through this. It isn't easy, but when you aren't given a choice, you have to learn how to cope.
I will always miss my baby, Love my baby, and it was a very big loss. Possibly one of the biggest losses anyone could ever experience.
One of the biggest feelings I have had is a feeling of emptiness. I used to have a baby growing inside, however now it is just me. That is probably one of the oddest feelings I have had. I didn't get to feel Mercy move but you better believe I talked to Mercy hoping to get to know my baby some day. I miss talking to Mercy and planning for Mercy's future. Now I get to Share my story, and hopefully have more children.
Right now we are focusing on the move. Getting out to the farm. That is about four weeks away. Then we will be able to plan and create a nursery at the farm. Our babies will always have the farm as their home.
Thank you for following my story. It is not even close to over. We still have the journey to parenthood ahead of us, and I know its not going to be easy. After what we have gone through we will be just fine in the end.
We had a week to settle back into a routine before it is thrown off again with the move. We had an entire weekend to do almost nothing as well. It was really nice to have some time off, even though we still worked. Things have been getting better between Evan and I. I am not as irritable and Evan is starting to talk, even if its not about the baby. We are getting back to the awesome team, Best friends, and supportive partners we once were.
I have received some sympathy cards from some ladies at church. Many of the ladies shared their losses as well. It has given me some validation in the loss I feel. I know I will always have a small hole in my heart, but it is now a part of my life story. Hopefully I will help others who have to go through this. It isn't easy, but when you aren't given a choice, you have to learn how to cope.
I will always miss my baby, Love my baby, and it was a very big loss. Possibly one of the biggest losses anyone could ever experience.
One of the biggest feelings I have had is a feeling of emptiness. I used to have a baby growing inside, however now it is just me. That is probably one of the oddest feelings I have had. I didn't get to feel Mercy move but you better believe I talked to Mercy hoping to get to know my baby some day. I miss talking to Mercy and planning for Mercy's future. Now I get to Share my story, and hopefully have more children.
Right now we are focusing on the move. Getting out to the farm. That is about four weeks away. Then we will be able to plan and create a nursery at the farm. Our babies will always have the farm as their home.
Thank you for following my story. It is not even close to over. We still have the journey to parenthood ahead of us, and I know its not going to be easy. After what we have gone through we will be just fine in the end.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Emotions
We are nearing 3 weeks. We are still dealing with some tension through this but it is getting much better.
I dont cry every time I talk about it now, although sometimes I still do.
I longed for a child for so very long. I was more than thrilled when we became pregnant. However I have lost that dream. I hate that I am now going to be scared for each of my next pregnancies. I just want my babies to be healthy. Moving on is difficult. I dont want to. We are actually planning on moving in a few weeks and I feel guilty that I will be moving from the place where we had our first baby. I feel like I am letting my baby down by moving away. I even tried to get Evan to buy the house so we dont have to let it go. I know it is irrational but it is how I feel. I dont want to move on because I am afraid if I move on then I will lose the memories of Mercy.
These emotions are very complicated, many I did not expect to have.
Guilt- I know I did everything I could, I never missed my medication. I saw the doctors when I was supposed to, but somehow I feel like there was something more I could have done, or something I did that I shouldn't have.
Anger- Though I am not angry at anyone in particular I am still angry it happened. I wish I could just scream!
Sadness- My baby died. I knew I was going to be sad. but how long does this sadness last? Will it ever end? If I am no longer sad, does it mean I miss my baby less?
Frustration - Now I have to go back on infertility medication and go through all of that again, possibly to lose another baby.
Scared- I am terrified that when I do get pregnant again I know there is a possibility I could lose the next baby. I am not so sure I can handle this again.
Alone- Though I know many women have gone through this, However most have not put the thousands of dollars into getting pregnant. And though they still did lose a baby, I lost money and time as well. So how could they relate to the fight I had to put up, just to lose everything I fought for.
Thankful- It sounds funny but Evan and I are definitely working through some buried issues because losing Mercy forced us to.
Resentful- I know I am going to be scared during my next pregnancy, I hate that I might shield myself from the excitement. How unfair is that?
Unmotivated- I just want to sit in a chair and stare at the T.V. I dont want to think of it anymore, looking forward to summer when I can.
Jealous- Anytime I see a pregnant lady, I get jealous of their belly. They are going to have a family. Something I have fought for and still.... nothing.
Defeated- The medicine worked, then something went wrong. Why? I know there is a possibility that I may never have children. The monumental task to get there with all of the emotions as well.
Impatient- I can not wait to get pregnant again! It was an awesome feeling and knowing that I was so tired because I had a child growing was so exciting. I want that feeling again.
Tired- I am tired of trying and failing. I want a family. I want children's laughter to fill my home. I want to raise them and Love them and be a family. But I am tired of the fight.
Failure- I feel like a failure. My body did not carry my baby. There is no way to tell if the baby had a medical issue or if my body has worked against me once again. But I am a woman and my body should be able to carry a baby.
Overwhelmed-- Overwhelmed with the outpouring of support, Love from Evan and my family and friends. I am overwhelmed with all of these emotions. Overwhelmed with the decisions that need to be made.
I know it will get better, I just have to work through all of these...
Until next time...
I dont cry every time I talk about it now, although sometimes I still do.
I longed for a child for so very long. I was more than thrilled when we became pregnant. However I have lost that dream. I hate that I am now going to be scared for each of my next pregnancies. I just want my babies to be healthy. Moving on is difficult. I dont want to. We are actually planning on moving in a few weeks and I feel guilty that I will be moving from the place where we had our first baby. I feel like I am letting my baby down by moving away. I even tried to get Evan to buy the house so we dont have to let it go. I know it is irrational but it is how I feel. I dont want to move on because I am afraid if I move on then I will lose the memories of Mercy.
These emotions are very complicated, many I did not expect to have.
Guilt- I know I did everything I could, I never missed my medication. I saw the doctors when I was supposed to, but somehow I feel like there was something more I could have done, or something I did that I shouldn't have.
Anger- Though I am not angry at anyone in particular I am still angry it happened. I wish I could just scream!
Sadness- My baby died. I knew I was going to be sad. but how long does this sadness last? Will it ever end? If I am no longer sad, does it mean I miss my baby less?
Frustration - Now I have to go back on infertility medication and go through all of that again, possibly to lose another baby.
Scared- I am terrified that when I do get pregnant again I know there is a possibility I could lose the next baby. I am not so sure I can handle this again.
Alone- Though I know many women have gone through this, However most have not put the thousands of dollars into getting pregnant. And though they still did lose a baby, I lost money and time as well. So how could they relate to the fight I had to put up, just to lose everything I fought for.
Thankful- It sounds funny but Evan and I are definitely working through some buried issues because losing Mercy forced us to.
Resentful- I know I am going to be scared during my next pregnancy, I hate that I might shield myself from the excitement. How unfair is that?
Unmotivated- I just want to sit in a chair and stare at the T.V. I dont want to think of it anymore, looking forward to summer when I can.
Jealous- Anytime I see a pregnant lady, I get jealous of their belly. They are going to have a family. Something I have fought for and still.... nothing.
Defeated- The medicine worked, then something went wrong. Why? I know there is a possibility that I may never have children. The monumental task to get there with all of the emotions as well.
Impatient- I can not wait to get pregnant again! It was an awesome feeling and knowing that I was so tired because I had a child growing was so exciting. I want that feeling again.
Tired- I am tired of trying and failing. I want a family. I want children's laughter to fill my home. I want to raise them and Love them and be a family. But I am tired of the fight.
Failure- I feel like a failure. My body did not carry my baby. There is no way to tell if the baby had a medical issue or if my body has worked against me once again. But I am a woman and my body should be able to carry a baby.
Overwhelmed-- Overwhelmed with the outpouring of support, Love from Evan and my family and friends. I am overwhelmed with all of these emotions. Overwhelmed with the decisions that need to be made.
I know it will get better, I just have to work through all of these...
Until next time...
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
2 weeks
It has been two weeks since we lost Mercy.
I often think of how far along in the pregnancy I would be today. What we would be doing to prepare for the arrival of our first.
Things have been getting better. The freak outs are becoming less and less. I tend to freak out about things that have nothing to do with the baby, for example taking out the garbage. Evan will get reamed for not doing it. I will blow it up into something huge, After about an hour of arguing I realize that isn't really what is bothering me. Then I apologize to him and he is always very forgiving. He completely understands what I am dealing with.
I am however, ready to get back into a routine. That should happen by Sunday. The routine is very comfortable and that is what I need right now. Evan is also going to be starting his Monday through Friday this coming week too. This will be nice, now we will have the same days off and we can relax together.
I have to say that this is definitely one of the hardest things anyone could go through. I just hope we are the couple who gets stronger because of it and not the couple who is torn apart. I see a little of both in us. Though I see us becoming stronger more than the freak outs. We are beginning to figure out how to go through this as a couple and not individuals.
The statistics say that after one miscarriage your risk does not go up any. This gives me a little hope. Also the fact that I know who is in charge, and his plan is best for all.
I often think of how far along in the pregnancy I would be today. What we would be doing to prepare for the arrival of our first.
Things have been getting better. The freak outs are becoming less and less. I tend to freak out about things that have nothing to do with the baby, for example taking out the garbage. Evan will get reamed for not doing it. I will blow it up into something huge, After about an hour of arguing I realize that isn't really what is bothering me. Then I apologize to him and he is always very forgiving. He completely understands what I am dealing with.
I am however, ready to get back into a routine. That should happen by Sunday. The routine is very comfortable and that is what I need right now. Evan is also going to be starting his Monday through Friday this coming week too. This will be nice, now we will have the same days off and we can relax together.
I have to say that this is definitely one of the hardest things anyone could go through. I just hope we are the couple who gets stronger because of it and not the couple who is torn apart. I see a little of both in us. Though I see us becoming stronger more than the freak outs. We are beginning to figure out how to go through this as a couple and not individuals.
The statistics say that after one miscarriage your risk does not go up any. This gives me a little hope. Also the fact that I know who is in charge, and his plan is best for all.
Friday, February 10, 2012
prayer
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"
I miss my baby
I texted Evan today, I miss my baby. I was having a weepy day. We would have been 7 weeks today. I think Fridays are going to be difficult.
I have trouble going places alone. Evan is wonderful and after he gets off work he goes with me to the stores and such because I am home alone most of the day.
I was thinking today, Mothers day is going to be especially difficult. It was already difficult because all I wanted was to have a baby. Now I have to spend mothers day this year with Mercy in Heaven. Not sure how I am going to deal with that. And Evan has to deal with Fathers day as well. Thinking about this year and how to get through the holidays and special days without Mercy is going to be very very bitter sweet.
To think about Mercy is difficult. But the grace in this is, I now have an angel baby in Heaven. My first child was born into the arms of Jesus. What a great existence Mercy gets to have. I am not sad for Mercy but sad for Evan and I.
There was a poem I read that helped me. I hope you enjoy.
To my Baby, Mercy.
Lost before I found you,
Gone before you came,
But I loved you just the same.
On Earth we never can,
But in Heaven, we will meet again.
"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"
No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it and only God knows why
"I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face....
When I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.
We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two.
We'll have a sweet reunion,
this mother's dream come true!"
"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"
What Makes a Mother? - Author Unknown
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked, ’What makes a Mother?’ and I know I heard Him say,
A mother has a baby, this we know is true,
But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?
Yes you can, He replied, with confidence in His voice
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.
I just dont understand this Lord, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear,
I wish the I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say.
’We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mum who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mummy set me free.
I miss my mummy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mummy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here’.
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through,
And on the day I call you home they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you know what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realise until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you ARE a special mum!
Rom 8:29 For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate [to be] conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. (KJV)
The Cord
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!
I have trouble going places alone. Evan is wonderful and after he gets off work he goes with me to the stores and such because I am home alone most of the day.
I was thinking today, Mothers day is going to be especially difficult. It was already difficult because all I wanted was to have a baby. Now I have to spend mothers day this year with Mercy in Heaven. Not sure how I am going to deal with that. And Evan has to deal with Fathers day as well. Thinking about this year and how to get through the holidays and special days without Mercy is going to be very very bitter sweet.
To think about Mercy is difficult. But the grace in this is, I now have an angel baby in Heaven. My first child was born into the arms of Jesus. What a great existence Mercy gets to have. I am not sad for Mercy but sad for Evan and I.
There was a poem I read that helped me. I hope you enjoy.
To my Baby, Mercy.
Lost before I found you,
Gone before you came,
But I loved you just the same.
On Earth we never can,
But in Heaven, we will meet again.
"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"
No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it and only God knows why
"I know I'll see the sun shine bright
upon my baby's face....
When I finally get to heaven,
all my pain will be erased.
We'll soar the skies together,
as angels two by two.
We'll have a sweet reunion,
this mother's dream come true!"
"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"
What Makes a Mother? - Author Unknown
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked, ’What makes a Mother?’ and I know I heard Him say,
A mother has a baby, this we know is true,
But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?
Yes you can, He replied, with confidence in His voice
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.
I just dont understand this Lord, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear,
I wish the I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say.
’We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mum who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mummy set me free.
I miss my mummy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mummy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here’.
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through,
And on the day I call you home they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you know what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realise until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you ARE a special mum!
Rom 8:29 For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate [to be] conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. (KJV)
The Cord
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.
It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!
Angels Are Hard to Find
Author Unknown
When God calls little children
To dwell with him above,
We mortals sometime question
The wisdom of His love.
Perhaps God tires of calling
The aged to His fold,
So He picks a rosebud
Before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them,
And so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven'
More beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult
Still somehow we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows
Will always be 'Good-bye'.
So when a little child departs,
We who are left behind
Must realize God loves children, and
ANGELS ARE HARD TO FIND.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Copeing
Losing a baby is very difficult. It doesn't matter if you knew about the baby for a day or 40 weeks. It has been one week since we lost our baby. I was 5 weeks 6 days pregnant when we lost the baby. We had exactly 26 days with Mercy, which was too little time together. We knew about our first child for 13 days, yet we learned to love in a deeper way than we ever thought possible.
Sitting at dinner last Wednesday, when we knew what was about to happen, we decided that our baby deserves a name just like any baby. We decided on Mercy. We dont know if the baby was a boy or girl but we feel Mercy fits.
Thinking about the baby I try to imagine whether boy or girl, if Mercy would have a funny baby or pretty calm. Would Mercy have been compassionate? Would Mercy love the farm like Evan does? All these things we will never know. Talking about it is still very difficult. We miss really our baby.
Mercy didn't get a birth certificate like all other babies so we created one. Its not a birth certificate but a soul certificate. We have it in a pretty frame and hung it on the wall. It is about the only thing we have to remember our first baby by. Mercy was here for such a short time we dont even have an ultrasound to remember by.
No baby we will ever have will replace our first baby, nor do we intend to try to replace Mercy. We will just attempt to grow our family more. We will pray that we get to spend more time with our second child. Hopefully get to know our next baby, feel baby kick, learn their personality, and hold baby in our arms.
We have a baby who was born directly into Heaven, into the arms of Jesus. In that I try to find comfort.
Sitting at dinner last Wednesday, when we knew what was about to happen, we decided that our baby deserves a name just like any baby. We decided on Mercy. We dont know if the baby was a boy or girl but we feel Mercy fits.
Thinking about the baby I try to imagine whether boy or girl, if Mercy would have a funny baby or pretty calm. Would Mercy have been compassionate? Would Mercy love the farm like Evan does? All these things we will never know. Talking about it is still very difficult. We miss really our baby.
Mercy didn't get a birth certificate like all other babies so we created one. Its not a birth certificate but a soul certificate. We have it in a pretty frame and hung it on the wall. It is about the only thing we have to remember our first baby by. Mercy was here for such a short time we dont even have an ultrasound to remember by.
No baby we will ever have will replace our first baby, nor do we intend to try to replace Mercy. We will just attempt to grow our family more. We will pray that we get to spend more time with our second child. Hopefully get to know our next baby, feel baby kick, learn their personality, and hold baby in our arms.
We have a baby who was born directly into Heaven, into the arms of Jesus. In that I try to find comfort.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
First pregnancy
I had this all typed out waiting to post, I am still going to share as we were so excited...
So about two weeks ago we found out we are expecting!!! I had blood tests and they came back definitely positive!!! I went back for another round of tests and the levels are rising appropriately. Which is so so very exciting!!! I am going back for a third round to see when I can get my first scan. They want to make sure everything is good, I will then be transferred from the infertility specialist back to the OB.
I went out and bought a little baby thing the weekend we found out we were expecting. I am so so excited that we get to start buying little baby things :) Now time to get everything ready!
My biggest pregnancy symptom has been exhaustion! I am so tired. I've been taking naps and I NEVER take naps. Every so often I get little cramps but the doctor said it is from the baby growing.
Evan is excited too! He is already working on a budget for baby stuff and baby's first year. Ive done my research, printed off my check lists and trying to get ready for the upcoming events.
Our current due date is September 28th 2012. That may change when we get our first scan.
Well all of that changed when I got my blood tests back on Wednesday. The Pregnancy hormone had started to decline. This usually means miscarriage. Up until then I was feeling great, tons of energy, too much. We were devastated when the results came in. Evan was trying to keep the hope and so was I, but it seemed so hopeless.
We went to dinner and did a couple other things to try to get our minds off what was about to come. We had a great time together. It was truly better quality time with each other than we have had in a couple weeks, and for that I am definitely Thankful.
Well we went to bed at about 10:30 last night but I couldn't fall into a deep sleep. About 1 in the morning I started bleeding. I called the doctor's answering service, they told me to go to the hospital. So we went, the pain and bleeding got worse. Some of the worst pain I have ever felt. They gave me some medication for the nausea and cramps. They did an exam and an Ultrasound but they didn't find a baby. They said I had already miscarried.
We finally got to leave at about 8:30 am. Evan took me home and went right to work. At 2:30 he came home to take me to my follow up appointment at the doctor. The poor guy has a terrible cold and has not slept in 3 days. It is proof of the wonderful man I have. He is such a good husband. He made sure he was there when and where I needed him. He has finally passed out on the couch and I suspect he is going to sleep a while.
We only knew about our baby for 2 weeks. It was still enough time to get attached. And well now we have an Angel Baby waiting for us in Heaven.
We still have a lot to get through, a lot to figure out, but the doctor gave us hope. We will be able to have a family. I am just learning that sometimes we really have to fight harder than we ever knew we could to get what we want.
It will all work out. I believe God has some big things in store for us, we just cant quite see it yet. So we will have to support and encourage each other until then.
Until next time I update, please say lots of prayers for strength and healing.
Thank you
So about two weeks ago we found out we are expecting!!! I had blood tests and they came back definitely positive!!! I went back for another round of tests and the levels are rising appropriately. Which is so so very exciting!!! I am going back for a third round to see when I can get my first scan. They want to make sure everything is good, I will then be transferred from the infertility specialist back to the OB.
I went out and bought a little baby thing the weekend we found out we were expecting. I am so so excited that we get to start buying little baby things :) Now time to get everything ready!
My biggest pregnancy symptom has been exhaustion! I am so tired. I've been taking naps and I NEVER take naps. Every so often I get little cramps but the doctor said it is from the baby growing.
Evan is excited too! He is already working on a budget for baby stuff and baby's first year. Ive done my research, printed off my check lists and trying to get ready for the upcoming events.
Our current due date is September 28th 2012. That may change when we get our first scan.
Well all of that changed when I got my blood tests back on Wednesday. The Pregnancy hormone had started to decline. This usually means miscarriage. Up until then I was feeling great, tons of energy, too much. We were devastated when the results came in. Evan was trying to keep the hope and so was I, but it seemed so hopeless.
We went to dinner and did a couple other things to try to get our minds off what was about to come. We had a great time together. It was truly better quality time with each other than we have had in a couple weeks, and for that I am definitely Thankful.
Well we went to bed at about 10:30 last night but I couldn't fall into a deep sleep. About 1 in the morning I started bleeding. I called the doctor's answering service, they told me to go to the hospital. So we went, the pain and bleeding got worse. Some of the worst pain I have ever felt. They gave me some medication for the nausea and cramps. They did an exam and an Ultrasound but they didn't find a baby. They said I had already miscarried.
We finally got to leave at about 8:30 am. Evan took me home and went right to work. At 2:30 he came home to take me to my follow up appointment at the doctor. The poor guy has a terrible cold and has not slept in 3 days. It is proof of the wonderful man I have. He is such a good husband. He made sure he was there when and where I needed him. He has finally passed out on the couch and I suspect he is going to sleep a while.
We only knew about our baby for 2 weeks. It was still enough time to get attached. And well now we have an Angel Baby waiting for us in Heaven.
We still have a lot to get through, a lot to figure out, but the doctor gave us hope. We will be able to have a family. I am just learning that sometimes we really have to fight harder than we ever knew we could to get what we want.
It will all work out. I believe God has some big things in store for us, we just cant quite see it yet. So we will have to support and encourage each other until then.
Until next time I update, please say lots of prayers for strength and healing.
Thank you
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Time
Time seems to pass so incredibly slow. Waiting for the next cycle to start (but hoping it doesn't), Waiting to start the next round of medication, waiting to Ovulate, Waiting to increase meds.... the time seems to go by so slowly.
However when I look back to when we started the process it seems like yesterday. We are approaching 1 year of active infertility treatments, 17 months since we first approached the doctor. in the past year we have had many many tests, a few different medications tried, and the many cycles. I feel like we are getting closer to the finish line one way or another, however we are so far away. There is no telling the amount of time this could take.
Its really difficult to make decisions to move life forward because this is so uncertain. I have thought about going back to school to get my masters degree, which I plan on doing regardless of how this turns out. However if I get it all started and enrolled and find out we are expecting, that would throw a monkey wrench in the plan. I would want to wait until our kids are in school or something. If we move on to adoption and we are in the process of moving from this house, that would be difficult to have home visits and such. . . Our life plans can are are being held up by the uncertainty of the whole infertility thing. I feel stuck. One thing that is certain though, I do have a wonderful husband who is very supportive and will be there with anything I choose to do. Now I just have to decide. Move on with life and continue to do infertility in-spite of what may happen, or focus efforts on the most important thing in our future, our family. I feel like you can have have all the money, education, and time in the world, but if you dont have relationships or family to share it with, it is all for nothing.
However when I look back to when we started the process it seems like yesterday. We are approaching 1 year of active infertility treatments, 17 months since we first approached the doctor. in the past year we have had many many tests, a few different medications tried, and the many cycles. I feel like we are getting closer to the finish line one way or another, however we are so far away. There is no telling the amount of time this could take.
Its really difficult to make decisions to move life forward because this is so uncertain. I have thought about going back to school to get my masters degree, which I plan on doing regardless of how this turns out. However if I get it all started and enrolled and find out we are expecting, that would throw a monkey wrench in the plan. I would want to wait until our kids are in school or something. If we move on to adoption and we are in the process of moving from this house, that would be difficult to have home visits and such. . . Our life plans can are are being held up by the uncertainty of the whole infertility thing. I feel stuck. One thing that is certain though, I do have a wonderful husband who is very supportive and will be there with anything I choose to do. Now I just have to decide. Move on with life and continue to do infertility in-spite of what may happen, or focus efforts on the most important thing in our future, our family. I feel like you can have have all the money, education, and time in the world, but if you dont have relationships or family to share it with, it is all for nothing.
The feeling of the day
Saturday, January 7, 2012
accidental scan.
Had a accidental scan, They said things still weren't at the level they should be, but very close. On the up side, I was not charged for it because they suggested it. I was thankful for it because it proved that I do have eggies. :)
I learned one of my favorite movies is Father of the bride 2. LOVE IT :)
I learned one of my favorite movies is Father of the bride 2. LOVE IT :)
Friday, December 30, 2011
Its been a while
Its been a while since I updated. Sorry I Took a break from thinking about it for a bit.
Christmas was just here and I took most of my vacation as a vacation. I tried not to think about it lately. I have been doing better though the process. Though it is getting more intense.
We are in a phase of treatment that not is not only medications but I have to go into doctor appointments about every 2 weeks. Looks like I'm going to get to know these ladies much better. Some days I cant believe that it is taking this much work when some fall pregnant so easily. I get jealous of the pregnancy announcements on facebook, and the new baby pictures even though I love looking at the pictures. Its definitely bitter sweet. Some day I will have my moment.
We have discussed this process in depth. There is a timeline for us, We know this will not go on forever. The thought that at any point I can say I have had enough and we will move on is very freeing. I know I dont have to do this forever and can stop at any point, but we will still have a family. That gives me the freedom to feel jealous, get angry then come back to the spot where I think, Though it is not my choice that this is what we have to go through to start a family. It is my choice to continue on, or to take the other road. That alone gives me strength to continue.
It has been nice to not think about it for a while. I feel refreshed. Ready to start 2012 with more hope that this will be the year we start our family.
Christmas was just here and I took most of my vacation as a vacation. I tried not to think about it lately. I have been doing better though the process. Though it is getting more intense.
We are in a phase of treatment that not is not only medications but I have to go into doctor appointments about every 2 weeks. Looks like I'm going to get to know these ladies much better. Some days I cant believe that it is taking this much work when some fall pregnant so easily. I get jealous of the pregnancy announcements on facebook, and the new baby pictures even though I love looking at the pictures. Its definitely bitter sweet. Some day I will have my moment.
We have discussed this process in depth. There is a timeline for us, We know this will not go on forever. The thought that at any point I can say I have had enough and we will move on is very freeing. I know I dont have to do this forever and can stop at any point, but we will still have a family. That gives me the freedom to feel jealous, get angry then come back to the spot where I think, Though it is not my choice that this is what we have to go through to start a family. It is my choice to continue on, or to take the other road. That alone gives me strength to continue.
It has been nice to not think about it for a while. I feel refreshed. Ready to start 2012 with more hope that this will be the year we start our family.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Trying to Conceive can and WILL make you crazy!
This trying to have a baby thing has made me crazy. I thought I might share some funny thing trying has compelled me to do. . .
Enjoy and feel free to laugh, I did as I was thinking about this.
Enjoy and feel free to laugh, I did as I was thinking about this.
- You start to think that putting your legs in the air, or standing on your head will actually help, so you try it.
- You buy and eat loads of fresh pineapple, (until your mouth bleeds from the acid) because you somewhere heard that it will help a baby implant if you did conceive.
- Start to discuss fertility and the reproductive system as if everyone knows exactly what you are talking about.
- You start to type in a foreign language, TTC language. This includes acronyms such as DH, FS, TTC, LTTTC, LPD, OH, 2WW, CD, BFP, BFN, and so on.
- Obsessively watch shows such as Teen Mom, 16 and pregnant, One born every minute and so on.
- Have your entire baby registry planned online.
- Hide husbands tight underwear because they can cause a lower sperm count.
- Ask Husband to take an extra vitamin even though the tests came back all good.
- Have a little green box in your closet filled with baby items you bought for your future baby because you had a moment of hope while standing in the baby section.
- Stay up until 2am writing this :)
Update...I talked with some ladies online who are also on this journey, Here are some more you might enjoy.
- Grabbing your breasts hoping they are tender (pregnancy symptom) but grabbing them so much you actually make them tender, so now your confused.
- It doesn't bother you much when you pee on your hands anymore because you Pee on some sort of stick more than half of the month.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Denial
Well at the last doctor appointment, as the doctor was explaining to Evan why we were on the current treatments, I realized that we are not "unexplained". She diagnosed me with Lueteal phase deficiency. I had heard this before and had mixed feelings about it. She stated that due to the last blood tests I do in-fact have LPD.
Lueteal phase is the second half of the menstrual cycle. It is the length between ovulation and period. This means that my lueteal phase is not long enough. The problem with that is if we did conceive, the baby would not have enough time to implant and survive.
I was on a round of medicine that did help my hormone levels raise, and it looks like it lengthened my lueteal phase as well. We will see if this is the only problem or if there is something the doctors dont see yet.
It kills me to think that we may have conceived but my body betrayed me and didn't recognize them, or give them time to survive. This is something I will never really know but we have to move forward and try these different treatments and see if they help.
Lueteal phase is the second half of the menstrual cycle. It is the length between ovulation and period. This means that my lueteal phase is not long enough. The problem with that is if we did conceive, the baby would not have enough time to implant and survive.
I was on a round of medicine that did help my hormone levels raise, and it looks like it lengthened my lueteal phase as well. We will see if this is the only problem or if there is something the doctors dont see yet.
It kills me to think that we may have conceived but my body betrayed me and didn't recognize them, or give them time to survive. This is something I will never really know but we have to move forward and try these different treatments and see if they help.
Doctor appointments
Appointments??
Ok so funny thing. Monday Evan had an Eye doctor appointment at 9am and we had one for our infertility at 4:30. Evan comes home and said the people at the desk didn't understand that he hasn't had contacts before so they couldnt do the appointment like he had planned. Then, at the gyno appointment, They didn't have me scheduled like they had said. All we wanted to do was discuss our plans for future treatments and options regarding our current treatments, so they fit us in. OK, well I found it funny anyway :)
At the appointment I really learned that Evan was more concerned than I had thought. But at the same time he was a little removed from some of the processes. Well the doc calmed his concerns about the side effects of the medications, I didn't realize how concerned he was about that. She explained that the next step of medications are more potent, and some fertility specialists may not move forward with IVF if we have not gone through these steps. So even though this medicine is difficult and Evan isn't completely comfortable with the medicine, We will continue.
Since Harvest is over for him, he has become much more in-tune to the process and is giving me more than the "do what you need to do" comments.
Ok so funny thing. Monday Evan had an Eye doctor appointment at 9am and we had one for our infertility at 4:30. Evan comes home and said the people at the desk didn't understand that he hasn't had contacts before so they couldnt do the appointment like he had planned. Then, at the gyno appointment, They didn't have me scheduled like they had said. All we wanted to do was discuss our plans for future treatments and options regarding our current treatments, so they fit us in. OK, well I found it funny anyway :)
At the appointment I really learned that Evan was more concerned than I had thought. But at the same time he was a little removed from some of the processes. Well the doc calmed his concerns about the side effects of the medications, I didn't realize how concerned he was about that. She explained that the next step of medications are more potent, and some fertility specialists may not move forward with IVF if we have not gone through these steps. So even though this medicine is difficult and Evan isn't completely comfortable with the medicine, We will continue.
Since Harvest is over for him, he has become much more in-tune to the process and is giving me more than the "do what you need to do" comments.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Good News?
Well another test result came back. It came back all good.
Is that really good news? At first glance yes, but we have had so much "good news" that they can not figure out exactly what is stopping us from conceiving. So the more "good news" I get, the more frustrated I get.
The consideration to just move on and begin the adoption process has been popping into my head more and more. Evan has considered it too, his biggest fear is the side effects of the medication. However, I dont want to look back and wonder why I didn't do more. Why I didn't try this or that. I want a family with my husband.
On a side note.
I was told once again "it will happen" by someone with the most sincere heart trying to support me. But with all the crazy hormones, the frustration all I could think was this...
Thank you, but can you guarantee it? Can you promise that so I don't have to take all this medication, so I don't have to stress about the next test, the affect it has on my job performance?
I really do know that the person who said it, said it with all the best intention, and I thank them for that from the bottom of my heart, but that is not something you can tell me with certainty, so please refrain from telling me it will happen. (unless you are a trained doctor or something :) )
I often feel guilty for the way I feel when someone tries to support me but isn't quite sure how. I don't like thinking that way, but sometimes it is a gut punch and I don't know how to respond. I am still working on how to work through those emotions.
Uncertainty is one of the most difficult things for me in life. Now I have to deal with it in a bigger way than I ever knew.
Is that really good news? At first glance yes, but we have had so much "good news" that they can not figure out exactly what is stopping us from conceiving. So the more "good news" I get, the more frustrated I get.
The consideration to just move on and begin the adoption process has been popping into my head more and more. Evan has considered it too, his biggest fear is the side effects of the medication. However, I dont want to look back and wonder why I didn't do more. Why I didn't try this or that. I want a family with my husband.
On a side note.
I was told once again "it will happen" by someone with the most sincere heart trying to support me. But with all the crazy hormones, the frustration all I could think was this...
Thank you, but can you guarantee it? Can you promise that so I don't have to take all this medication, so I don't have to stress about the next test, the affect it has on my job performance?
I really do know that the person who said it, said it with all the best intention, and I thank them for that from the bottom of my heart, but that is not something you can tell me with certainty, so please refrain from telling me it will happen. (unless you are a trained doctor or something :) )
I often feel guilty for the way I feel when someone tries to support me but isn't quite sure how. I don't like thinking that way, but sometimes it is a gut punch and I don't know how to respond. I am still working on how to work through those emotions.
Uncertainty is one of the most difficult things for me in life. Now I have to deal with it in a bigger way than I ever knew.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
X-rays and Fertility?
So everything was going well today. I was happy, hopeful for this month. Evan and I began talking we discussed all the medications I am on. I told him that I have always kind of known that it was going to be difficult for me to have children. No doctor told me, just a gut feeling.
See as a teenager I was diagnosed with scoliosis. This is the curvature of the spine. I needed many many X-rays. The doctors never put a lead lap belt on me. It always bothered me but then I was too timid to say anything. Now they think my egg quality may be a little low. I never told Evan about the X-rays, as I thought it wasn't a big deal. It is what it is. The medication concerns Evan, So he has asked me to schedule an appointment so he can talk to the doc about the risks of the medications and what the results of taking a break would be.
So we are adding yet another doctor appointment because Evan wasn't quite engaged in the medicine and told me to go to my appointments alone. I tried to explain what was happening and what the risks of the medicine were. So tomorrow I will call to make an appointment so Evan can make more informed decisions as to when we will take a break, if we want to try IUI or just go to IVF. or if we want to skip it completely and go to adoption.
These decisions are huge, and definitely stressful! They will affect the rest of our lives. I am glad Evan is becoming more interested in the process.
This is similar to what my X-rays looked like before and after surgery
See as a teenager I was diagnosed with scoliosis. This is the curvature of the spine. I needed many many X-rays. The doctors never put a lead lap belt on me. It always bothered me but then I was too timid to say anything. Now they think my egg quality may be a little low. I never told Evan about the X-rays, as I thought it wasn't a big deal. It is what it is. The medication concerns Evan, So he has asked me to schedule an appointment so he can talk to the doc about the risks of the medications and what the results of taking a break would be.
So we are adding yet another doctor appointment because Evan wasn't quite engaged in the medicine and told me to go to my appointments alone. I tried to explain what was happening and what the risks of the medicine were. So tomorrow I will call to make an appointment so Evan can make more informed decisions as to when we will take a break, if we want to try IUI or just go to IVF. or if we want to skip it completely and go to adoption.
These decisions are huge, and definitely stressful! They will affect the rest of our lives. I am glad Evan is becoming more interested in the process.
This is similar to what my X-rays looked like before and after surgery
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
I feel a breakdown coming
You know its funny how well infertility makes you get to know yourself. I have been doing well, waiting for the next round of tests, but yesterday morning I woke up feeling a breakdown coming on. I kept myself busy all day, driving an hour to meet my siblings, plus the drive back. I cleaned like mad and made dinner for Evan's parents. Then to bed. Today I slept in, like 10 hours! I can still feel it coming.
After trying to keep busy today as well, Evan and I went to Burger king for dinner. As we were talking, discussing everything from education, to the farm, to building a family, I couldn't much discuss it with out crying in public. He instantly recognized it and changed the subject. How wonderful a man do I have! Now He has gone to bed, now I am watching videos from celebrities such as Sheri Shepard who have gone through this. All I can do is cry. It may be the Hormone therapy, it may be the upcoming tests, or it may be stress from work. But all of this added together makes trying very very difficult.
So now I am going to go to bed, cry a little, and lay next to Evan, I know he may be asleep but lying next to him gives me a little strength.
Tomorrow I am going dress shopping with my mom and sister for my sisters wedding gown. That should get my mind off things for a little while.
Hopefully this breakdown doesn't last long. I have Christmas shopping to do! :)
After trying to keep busy today as well, Evan and I went to Burger king for dinner. As we were talking, discussing everything from education, to the farm, to building a family, I couldn't much discuss it with out crying in public. He instantly recognized it and changed the subject. How wonderful a man do I have! Now He has gone to bed, now I am watching videos from celebrities such as Sheri Shepard who have gone through this. All I can do is cry. It may be the Hormone therapy, it may be the upcoming tests, or it may be stress from work. But all of this added together makes trying very very difficult.
So now I am going to go to bed, cry a little, and lay next to Evan, I know he may be asleep but lying next to him gives me a little strength.
Tomorrow I am going dress shopping with my mom and sister for my sisters wedding gown. That should get my mind off things for a little while.
Hopefully this breakdown doesn't last long. I have Christmas shopping to do! :)
Friday, December 9, 2011
Some infertility humor
Some days are better than others. Here are some jokes that have brought me from a bad day to a good day. . . I hope you enjoy them too :)
An 80-year-old couple went to the doctor to find out if it was too late for them to have kids. The doctor told them that it would be best if the husband gave a sperm sample, as he could then check his count and see if it was possible for him to father a child.
He gave them a jar and sent them into a side room to get a sample. After much groaning and grunting and even a little screaming the couple came and gave the jar back to the doctor. On checking the doctor found it to be empty and asked the couple to explain.
Well, said the old man, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with my right hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her right hand, then with her left hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, but no matter how we tried we couldnt get the lid off the jar.
Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't ask for directions either!
You know you are trying to get pregnant when:
You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm . . .
or . . . Someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21" . . .
How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .
An 80-year-old couple went to the doctor to find out if it was too late for them to have kids. The doctor told them that it would be best if the husband gave a sperm sample, as he could then check his count and see if it was possible for him to father a child.
He gave them a jar and sent them into a side room to get a sample. After much groaning and grunting and even a little screaming the couple came and gave the jar back to the doctor. On checking the doctor found it to be empty and asked the couple to explain.
Well, said the old man, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with my right hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her right hand, then with her left hand, then with both hands. Then my wife tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, but no matter how we tried we couldnt get the lid off the jar.
Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't ask for directions either!
You know you are trying to get pregnant when:
You look at your vegetarian sandwich and the alfalfa sprouts look like sperm . . .
or . . . Someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21" . . .
How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Hello!
We created this to share our journey.
It has definitely not been an easy one and I will update soon with more specifics.
I decided to share this journey so you can have a little insight into our lives as we continue down the path. This journey is difficult, but I would like to share anyways. 1 in 8 couples experience infertility at some point in their lives. My hope is to bring a little light as to how to support a couple going through infertility.
When talking to someone who is dealing with this keep in mind these things, We know you mean well but they may not come across that way.
- Asking if they have thought about this or that is not helpful... they have considered most options at one point or another, they may be still looking into them and need time to make the decision, or they are just not ready to talk about it.
- Asking if we are pregnant, Though I know you would like to know, it will likely just remind us that we are in-fact not pregnant. When we are, we will definitely let you know :)
- letting us know you are thinking about us, will make our day :) We love to hear we have family and friends close to us, supporting us.
- We would love to see your comments, Please do not hesitate to comment on a post. Ask questions, I would be happy to answer whatever you are curious about.
One last thing.
Though this journey is difficult, we believe that God has put us on this path as a blessing. Through this we have become a closer stronger couple, We have come to know God's character in a deeper light. We have also learned more about ourselves as individuals.
Lastly, we have NO FEAR that we will one day have a family. Its the journey to figure out when and how we will become a family that is the difficult part, and we would like to share that journey with you.
Hope you learn something from our journey!
Infertility in review
Hi all,
I am going to give some background on this journey to catch up.
When Evan and I got married, we had discussed Birth control. We decided to do the Natural family planning at first. Well being newlywed that didn't work so well. LOL. Naturally, I found my self not long after hoping we would have a family. So we would talk about it more and more and Evan found himself hoping as well, I was so excited! So we began trying.
Months went by and nothing happened. I told Evan I wanted to get things checked out, just to make sure everything was okay. I went she found nothing wrong so she asked me to come back in a few months. So we waited, tried, nothing. We then started our journey with fertility treatments. Between the two of us, we have had many tests, tried several different medications. Still nothing.
My plan through this is to help you understand the infertility journey a little more. The daily struggles it contains, and the cycle of hope, prayer, frustrations, disappointment.
I hope to educate you on how to support a couple through this journey. As well as laugh a little as we continue on. Please Don't feel sorry for us because we are on a unique path, and as difficult as it is, we are very thankful!
WE love you all and thank you for taking the time to read this. It is very close to our hearts.
I am going to give some background on this journey to catch up.
When Evan and I got married, we had discussed Birth control. We decided to do the Natural family planning at first. Well being newlywed that didn't work so well. LOL. Naturally, I found my self not long after hoping we would have a family. So we would talk about it more and more and Evan found himself hoping as well, I was so excited! So we began trying.
Months went by and nothing happened. I told Evan I wanted to get things checked out, just to make sure everything was okay. I went she found nothing wrong so she asked me to come back in a few months. So we waited, tried, nothing. We then started our journey with fertility treatments. Between the two of us, we have had many tests, tried several different medications. Still nothing.
My plan through this is to help you understand the infertility journey a little more. The daily struggles it contains, and the cycle of hope, prayer, frustrations, disappointment.
I hope to educate you on how to support a couple through this journey. As well as laugh a little as we continue on. Please Don't feel sorry for us because we are on a unique path, and as difficult as it is, we are very thankful!
WE love you all and thank you for taking the time to read this. It is very close to our hearts.
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